Inside the Bald Spot

Moving....

2009-09-19T16:17:00.003-05:00

No, we're not moving... my blog is.

For a few reasons:

1- Wordpress is a better blogging engine than Blogger... sorry blogger.

2- I read a book about tribes, and blogging and such, and I came to realize that this blog has no actual purpose. So, I'm going to edit this extensively. My new blog www.jdharney.wordpress.com will be strictly about me as a husband, dad etc. I will talk only about my personal life and journey in these areas. I'll also be starting a ministry blog to chronicle that aspect of life. It will be more for HS leaders/parents, maybe students.

So, check the new face of the blog out at wordpress, and subscribe... I'd love to have your input!

Day of 9's

2009-09-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

Today is 9-9-9... it's currently 9am, so I thought I'd read some wisdom from the 9th chapter of Proverbs. The 9th verse smacked my face, and really was unsettling in many ways.

Save your breath for the wise—they'll be wiser for it;
tell good people what you know—they'll profit from it.

That seems to make no sense at first glance. You can read that this way. Don't waste your time with fools, just talk to people who are wise. Shouldn't someone who is wise talk to someone who is struggling? How would the fool ever find help if all the wise people shunned him like, well... a fool?

After I took a breath... I got it.

My dad used to say "Son, there are two types of people. Some listen and learn, others live and learn. Which will you be?"

Meaning that some people can talk to someone and learn something and stay away from a bunch of guilt and regret in life. Other people say "yeah, whatever" and have to live, build up guilt and regret and then they'll look back and know what they "should" have done. That person is a fool.

So, it's not about not saying anything to someone who acts like a fool, and not trying to help. But, it is realizing that some people some times... just need to live and learn, and at the end of that road they will look back and say "OHHHH, that's what they meant." "Stupid"

A day I don't want to remember...

2009-09-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

Not sure what happened today.

I had a great day yesterday. Labor Day, had nothing to do but hang with the fam. I played basketball, took a nap, watched two movies and laughed A LOT! You would think after a day like that, that a guy would be Mr. Sunshine and Lollipops. I gotta be honest though... I'm not!

I have been the most judgmental jerk today. Mostly in my heart and head, but it has found it's way out through my mouth/fingers a few times. I've felt disinterested in people and their feelings and have even caught myself desiring to destroy someone with my words. Because "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" is the biggest lie in the history of lies.

I've asked God why I'm feeling this... asked and desired for it to leave. I've confessed this feeling to people around me in hopes that getting it out of me would help it pass. So far, nothing.

So, I come to this place... where I process life. Bear my soul... maybe some video games with the boys will turn it around.

I'm sorry, but why?

2009-09-07T11:15:00.000-05:00

I love perusing the "christian" book section while waiting on my sons to pee at Wal*Mart. I find the funniest things there. This one though took the cake.

Who are these books written for? What is the expected result? I'm not trying to be a butt... I just don't get it... Maybe I'm just an idiot and everyone else is so excited to see theses on the shelf.

P.S. I apologize to the writers of said books... didn't mean to crush your experience... you got published *yeah!*

Best I can tell... you just come out 67 minutes ahead if you read these two books back to back. Not much else.

What wise people know.

2009-09-06T15:00:00.001-05:00

Wise people know that they don't know everything.

That's counterintuitive because you would think that wise, or intelligent people, would be the ones that everyone would come to to get answers to their questions... right?

Well, there's one thing I've learned in life.

Wise people know when they don't know.

I'm not good at that. Too many situations in life make me feel as though I have to have all the answers, and I have a hard time of saying many times "I don't know".

But not only do wise people know when they don't know. Wise people aren't afraid to go to someone who does know.

Wise people ask questions, and lots of them. That honestly makes me think that my 5 year old is a genius, and if you think about it... he does learn a lot every day. And what does he do all day? Ask questions. I read once that the average 5 year old asks 473 questions per day... no wonder they learn so much at this age. Why do we ever stop that? I guess someone along the way told us we ask too many questions, but I honestly believe that person was/is a fool.

So here I sit... grateful for wise people in my life who help me be just a bit more wise, and I'm hopeful that I'll be wise enough to realize when I'm at my limit and humble enough to ask for help.

I get to do this...

2009-09-04T22:00:00.001-05:00

This is where I spent my Friday night.

No, I don't have a son in high school, or a daughter cheering. I do though have a bunch of adopted kids in the stands, walking around, playing, cheering, you name it!

It's cool too, because I'm not just the weird bald guy in the stands... stalker old man. I'm actually greeted by these soon to be adults. They smack the fence, and run up behind me. They introduce their girlfriends, and talk about their ex's. I'm their fan on the field or off, and I LOVE IT!

My job/life... is amazing, and I'm so thankful!

Top 5 moments this Summer...

2009-09-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

As summer 2009 draws to a close, I thought I'd take a second to reflect on what went down. Too many times in life I rush from one season of life to the next without any pondering or celebration. These are a few of my favorites:

Spencer (my son) accepts Christ
Yeah, I know this was in May, but it was a bang up way to start the summer. My oldest son putting all the pieces together and realizing a need for God, accepting Him and beginning his own journey.

3 Awesome Road trips
Every Summer we do Road Trips with Blue Ridge instead of a camp. This year we had three amazing trips take place, heading to Charlotte, Myrtle Beach and New York City. We saw students take HUGE steps in their relationship with God, and share really hard things with each other. I had the honor of being with the NY peeps.

151
That's the number of high school students we had just a week ago. People who know me, know that the numbers really don't matter, but WOW! When I saw that... I was blown away. I never got into student ministry thinking that I would ever be a part of a big ministry. I just wanted to be a part of a few students lives and watch them grow up into amazing adults. That creates a space issue, but I'll take that problem any day!

10 Baptism's in August
You'll be hearing about August 30th from me for quite some time. It's an amazing day when 34 people say yes to God and are baptized. It's a fantastically amazing day when 10 of those 34 are high school students. I love seeing life change in high school students.

Spencer's Baptism
August 30th 2009 again! A milestone in my life. What a celebration! With tear filled eyes and a choked throat I knelt next to a glorified cattle trough and baptized my oldest son. What I'll never forget was the emotion he showed. Little tears filling his eyes, and such an outward expression of joy from him to his mother as he came up. MAN! That's better than crack!

Ever known a fool?

2009-08-29T18:09:00.000-05:00

An old Christian proverb goes something like this:

"A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom."

Have you ever known someone like that? Someone who won't listen no matter what? You see them walking into disaster, something COMPLETELY boneheaded and try to warn them, but you might as well be verbally talking to Helen Keller. It's not getting through.

In fact that proverb makes it out that it's almost like a game to a fool... they find pleasure in their folly.

Not only have I known, and currently know people like this. I have been this person before, and I'm sure I'll do it again.

Anticipation...

2009-08-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

At Blue Ridge we have baptisms just 4 times a year. Unlike most church ministries though, we make it an all day celebration rather than a funny little footnote on the end of a service.

Tomorrow will be a very special baptism service in my life.

Here's why:

#1 and most importantly of all... my son will be baptized. His choice, none of my pushing and he's pumped! It's been a cool journey watching him grow his own understanding of God, and begin a neat journey of his own. Tomorrow will put an exclamation point on that, and I not only get to see it, but I get to participate. Needless to say I CAN'T WAIT! I know I'll be a crying soppy mess, but it's worth it!

#2 this will be the largest student ministries baptism we've had yet. So far there are circa 30 people getting dunked. Out of those 30, 15 will be in middle school or high school. Out of those 15, 10 are in high school. We're seeing students take authentic steps of faith in all areas of their lives, and they're not doing it blindly or with washed brains. No, they're doing it with big hearts and excitement/love for God.

If you see me tomorrow and I'm floating a little... don't worry about it, it's absolutely normal. The anticipation is KILLIN ME!

Hard Stuff...

2009-08-28T13:02:00.003-05:00

My life and job are full of times that I have to say hard stuff to people that I care about deeply. This week has been an especially difficult one with that dynamic of my life.

I know it's good, and I know its the best/wise thing for me to do, but I'm so spent right now.

My parents are staying with us this week, and my dad said something that is so relevant to this idea today.

"Common sense is lost"

This isn't a "I hate society" statement. Rather a "Culture is changing" statement.

Common sense is uncommon, and SOME, not ALL of the conversations that I have with people should just be common sense. Honestly, that then wrenches my heart and upsets me.

Then I remember... I do stupid stuff all the time too. I quickly calm down and become grateful for the people in my life that have and do say hard things to me, and have helped me to gain what I have come to recognize as common sense.

I'm glad for people like this, and hope I can be that person for someone else.

My Love Affair...

2009-08-25T18:53:00.003-05:00

I love words... a single well placed word can say so much. I honestly feel sorry for people that feel like they need to fill every open hole in their sentences with an expletive. It's as if the language part of their brain never developed past that of an infant.

I digress...

This started with me as a child... loving to read, loving to be read to. From there it developed more and more into my late childhood to early teens. I can remember a specific instance where I realized I liked words more than most. I was 11 years old and I had just purchased a new bike with money I had saved from my paper route. It was a bright blue Dyno D-Tour with white tires.

I had picked it special from the bike shop and saved for about a year. I can remember riding it the first time in my neighborhood over to my friends house. As I was doing a brake stall at his front door while talking I was explaining to my friend how fast my new bike was. I said "It's as fast as the proverbial wind." My friend looked at me with a face that said "WHAAAA?"

Granted I didn't use that word exactly right. I guess the wind is infamous in it's own way, but the love affair began there. I actually began reading the dictionary. Words were fascinating to me. I even started trying to use a new word a day in a conversation. I'm a freak I realize, but I was in love.

So, if I ever use a big word... I'm not trying to look smarter than I really am. I'm just a kid in love.

TIME...

2009-08-23T12:30:00.000-05:00

Time is a sly invention.

We all have a set amount of it, and we're not getting anymore. In fact, I'm losing time every second... they just tick, tick, tick away. Time is something we all want to learn how to use better, but are afraid many times to really answer questions like "What did I do today?" or "What did I do this year?"

We make promises to ourselves to "get in shape" this year. Or finish this statement how you last did "I'm going to start..." working out, reading more, studying really hard, spending more time with my family, calling my mom more, eating breakfast. Our intentions as pure as they can be, and yet we fail ourselves.

And if you're anything like me... you realize that you've not done what you wanted to do as time goes by and then you try to make up for your lack of follow through by doing one big push. Me... I say "Oh crap! I haven't been working out consistently" and then I will go at it really hard for one day in the hopes of getting back to where I was when I left off. It doesn't work as you know... I end up hurting myself, or being so sore that when the next day comes around for my workout... I can barely move.

Here's what I know... Small investments of time over long periods gain cumulative results!

So instead of asking "What time is it?"

Start asking a new question...

How am I spending my time?

Because all of the time we are given in our lives will be spent, but will it be used in a way to bring value to our lives?

I don't think I'll ever look back and wish I didn't spend the time eating dinner with my boys... where will you invest small chunks of your time over a long period to bring a cumulative value to your life?

Funny how life changes

2009-08-22T21:15:00.002-05:00

in the last 5 years my life has shifted dramatically. Not necessarily all for good, or all for bad, just different.

In high school, college and beyond my life was pretty much centered around music. I was always singing, playing instruments and around people who were like that. I played the sports and stuff, but music was my deal. I loved to sing... still do. I loved to create music with playing the piano and trumpet for many years. Writing songs for our senior show to commemorate people we lost that year. Later, learning to play the guitar and singing favorites like John Mayer, Dashboard Confessional and others.

Then something happened... not sure what, but something. I know my job change affected it to some degree, because music was not a core part of what I "do" anymore. Consequently though I've grown to miss it.

I guess I'm getting "ferclept" because I'm sitting in my basement, looking at two guitars that are covered with dust like old books in an antiquities part of a library. I dream from time to time of getting up like I used to in front of crowds and singing my heart out. Spilling out my soul for everyone to see and walking away feeling more whole than when I arrived. To some it is scary, to me it was fulfilling.

But, alas... that is not my path.

Now I speak, something I would have never seen coming. I'm still uneasy on a weekly basis thinking about it. Stomach churning, mouth getting dry... stuff I never experienced singing. It makes me ask why many times, but I always come back to the same answer.

Singing was easy... Singing is easy... Easy was never promised to me. That almost feels masochistic and I guess in some way it is. I'm losing "my life" to gain "real life"

So, I put that down again... walk away from it... will sing with my heart and let go of the rest.

Be who you are and nothing else

2009-08-21T08:34:00.004-05:00

I'm not a home improvement guy... that has been made VERY clear to me. This week I dove into a project head first only to find myself drowning. A great friend and a fellow guy who loves teenagers as much as me came to my rescue. Tim Davidson, after spending 13 hours at my house yesterday helping me put a new shower/bath in my bathroom made me think about the following:

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it.

Thanks Tim for being the right arm of my body... I'll treasure working with you yesterday FOREVER!

PS... if you're wondering Romans 12:3-10 The Message

Criticism ROCKS!

2009-08-15T17:47:00.000-05:00

For the past year I've been the only communicator for High School at Blue Ridge. Some of my friends from college are thinking "duh" right now, but for me that's a stretch. Not where I'm going guys... keep up!

So, during that year-a-thon (mixed a time frame with a marathon) I've learned a lot about communicating to and with a large crowd of people, and believe I've grown as a communicator. It's been SUPER helpful to have someone as frank as Jeremy helping me along with encouragement and helpful criticism.

The latest criticism needed no assistance.

On Thursday at our teaching team meeting we were talking about the recent talks, and the question was asked "How long have they been?" I answered "Well, they've been a little longer than normal, but nothing big." Jeremy responded with "Well, look at the podcast, it will tell you exactly."

I thought nothing of this, as really I believed myself to only have gone over say 10 minutes.

As iTunes loaded we chatted, and I was unafraid of the result. How foolish of me.

I went to podcasts, opened the Fusion podcast to find that the last two talks were over 50 minutes long... GOO! That's horrible! I was shooting for 25-30 minutes and I went WAY over!

So, now I have been sitting here on this Saturday night... CUTTING. REMOVING. SLASHING. This problem must be resolved.

Tomorrow will be a different day... this thing will be concise!

Grateful for criticism!

You spin me around

2009-08-15T12:12:00.004-05:00

One of the coolest things happened today! I started my day by dropping my car off with probably the most trustworthy student I've ever known. Kevin Martin, or K-mart as I call him. K-mart grew up Mennonite and I love the story that he is now at Blue Ridge, because those thoughts don't normally fit together.

K-mart is a mechanic at 18 years old and a darn good one from what I hear. He and his friends have offered their abilities and their Saturdays to take my '97 Mitsubishi Galant and make her road worthy once more. Notice I said offered... Kevin came to me... SO COOL! And such a show of their collective hearts.

Not only that, but I'm driving THIS:

Yes... that is a Volvo C70, and it is SWEET!

I LOVE STUDENT MINISTRIES, because I get to watch kids grow up. Kevin is a story of God. He's gone from not talking to anyone, to asking to fix my car and playing the electric guitar in our HS band.

I hope I can be a HS director until I die!

Learned something at a deeper level today

2009-08-12T10:35:00.004-05:00

I've been explaining to people lately how as I get older, that the Bible seems to play out more and more right in front of me. Today, not only did I see it, but I felt it.

I've been working out and when I started I bought the armband for my iPod, but as time went on I started noticing how as humans... we are not connected at all. In turn... I was adding to this as I was sinking myself into my own ears whilst pushing weights around. So, I decided to ditch the iPod, listen to the horrible music they play in the gym and actually notice that there are people around me.

That's the set up... keep reading.

Today, as I was traveling from area to area I ran across an older gentleman that I had not seen before. He looked to be about 70, and seemed to be struggling just a bit with his current exercise. I smiled at him, nodded and continued on. Like I said I didn't notice any huge health problems with him outside of normal age wear and tear.

Later in my workout as I was sitting on the Pec Fly machine this same man walked by. This is when it happened. As he walked by, and really I mean as he pulled himself by me, I noticed that there was more going on then I had previously recognized. Apparently he had experienced a stroke, and looked like a sizable one at that. His entire right side was all but incapacitated. He was pulling his right leg, his right arm was basically limp at his side and his face drooped a little. As I'm taking all this in he turned in a reciprocal manner and smiled a crooked little smile at me.

In that moment... I saw my dad. My dad hasn't had a stroke. In fact my dad doesn't have really any health problems. But in his eyes I saw my dad, and my heart broke. Don't get my wrong... I felt bad for this guy on his own, but seeing my dad as my mind fooled me tore me up. I choked and fought back tears, and had to end my workout early.

This moment taught me at a deeper level what Ephesians 6 means when it says "honor your father and mother". Honor the memory of what they've done in the past. Honor the current people that they are. Honor the fact that one day they won't be with you any longer, and you should make the most of this time.

Thanks mom and dad for making my life a real life Cleavers episode... I was/am so blessed, and I'll ALWAYS honor that from this point forward.

STUPID TEST

2009-08-10T19:42:00.004-05:00

I take this Myers-Briggs test about once a year in hopes that it will tell me something different. I know I am the definition of insanity "doing the same thing and expecting a different result". I just can't help myself. The following is what Mrs. Myers and Mrs. Briggs think of me.

You are frank, decisive, and assume leadership readily. You quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, and develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. You enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. You are usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding your knowledge and passing it on to others. You are forceful in presenting your ideas.

As if that doesn't sting the soul enough... the wrap up the savoir faire with who you're like:

Famous people with your same ENTJ personality include: Franklin D. Roosevelt (I'm OK with) , Harrison Ford (Indian Jones!), Steve Martin (funny), Whoopi Goldberg (uhhhhh ok), Sigourney Weaver (getting worried), Margaret Thatcher (the "Iron Lady"?), Al Gore (DANGER, DANGER... WHERE'S MY LOCK BOX?), David Letterman (not all that funny, and seems a little jerky) and Jim Carrey (Funny, but doesn't seem very relationally well adjusted).

That list to me looks like a "Who's Who of Loaners". I keep hoping my test will tell me that I'm warm, and caring and compassionate, and that little puppies cry when they see me. That everyone loves me, and that I'm perfectly suited for what I do. Yet again and again it says "You are unqualified".

Good thing I don't let a test be my determining factor for life. CRAP... that's my ENTJ coming out again.

Let's talk about the weather

2009-08-08T14:07:00.003-05:00

In Men in Black 2 Agent J (Will Smith) is on a mission searching for the "Light of Zartha". He eventually has to go get his old partner Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) back for some help in this most important mission.

Now as is standard in Big Willie style movies... Agent J (The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire) falls in love with a beautiful woman named Laura Vasquez that just happens to work in a pizza shop. Totally believable so far. Agent J (Mr. July) decides to not "flashy thing" her keeping her memory in tact. And as the movie goes on we quickly realize that Laura Vasquez is not of this world at all. In fact, not only is she an alien, but she IS the "Light of Zartha" made evident by one of the coolest things. Her mood affects the weather.

This is where I'm going... Today I absolutely woke up wishing that it was raining so I could just sit in side, maybe sulk a bit, play some video games and let the world go away. How cool would it be if our mood affected the weather. Actually maybe all of our collective moods do affect the weather, and thats why it's so crazy! So, really I just want MY mood to affect the weather, but then everyone would know how I was feeling at every moment and their personal agenda of day might try to affect my mood.

Wow! This got crazy fast! I'll just go cheer up and finish my work now.

If clocks controlled time...

2009-08-07T17:40:00.001-05:00

It's late... I'm sitting at my desk... I should be home, but still feel like there is STUFF to do. So, I glance up to see the clock. Yes, I have an analog clock that ticks and tocks on my wall. As I look at my tickety tock machine I see something that I wish were true.

It's stuck!

Along about 5:10 my clock decided that the battery in it didn't have enough juice to move the second hand anymore, and now that poor little second hand is struggling feverishly to make it up and around. Alas, that grapple will be won by gravity, but how I wish what I was seeing were true.

How I wish that clocks controlled time. For my life to be in stasis at 5:10pm for just maybe another hour... that would be more than splendid.

Again though... that grapple is beyond me... Clocks don't control time, and neither do I. Time moves on whether I like it or not, and writing this blog will not help it slow, let alone stop.

So, why am I still writing? I have a beautiful wife and two rapscallion boys awaiting my arrival with bated breath I'm sure. Or at least they'll be happy to see me.

Things to know as a trip leader...

2009-07-25T16:42:00.001-05:00

Recently I took 20 high school students and 4 other adult leaders, beside me, on a trip to New York City. It was amazing to see what God did in this group of students, and how he is using this small cross-section of our student body to affect the other 100 or so students.

I've always thought that my job is to facilitate environments where God can show off, but was finally able this last trip to put some basic thoughts to what a "leader" should realize as they lead.

#1... You have to know everything, and nothing at the same time.
Sounds absurd I know, but the paradox is an intricate balance that is necessary. Someone has to know where you're going and what's going on and when it's going on and that person is YOU if you are THE leader of a trip. At the same time you have to be humble enough in your own heart to realize that you don't know everything. You don't know what's happening inside everyone's heart. You don't know that this kid is acting funny because it's his first time away from home, and he needs his blankey, but can't say that... so he's acting like a jerk.

#2... The smallest thing can bond people and nothing can keep them apart.
The thought is basically this. Something as basic as the fart app on your iPhone can create a moment in time where a group of students bond with a leader. So, if we don't take chances with ourselves, put ourselves out there to potentially look foolish... if we do nothing... we can unknowingly assist in keeping them apart.

#3... Be Decisive not a Dictator
Everyone on a trip wants, and needs a leader. There will come a time when there will be decisions that need to be made. Something has changed, or needs to change from the agenda and everyone will look to you to lead. In that moment, be decisive.

There will be other times that everyone needs to be a part of the decision and they don't need you to chime in... don't be a dictator and inflict your will on everyone. The difference is slight, but necessary.

Lastly... remember you're not the leader.
I know it may sound cheesy, but if your trip has a God purpose... let Him lead. Learn the art of over praying and not over planning.

Took 10 years, but I think I can lead a trip now.

REDICULOUS!

2009-07-17T22:23:00.002-05:00

So my boys are gone right now... it's still fresh. We dropped them off in Beckley, WV today at 11am with their Grandma Zelda and Grandpa Luigi... (not real names, just the boys names for them).

I know they're in good hands that love them, but I miss them horribly. Angel thinks I'm a little rediculous, but this first night is KILLING ME! I'm so used to playing Nerf Basketball with Zach every night and laughing. We tuck them in, and have a little touch lamp in their room that we act like we blow out. Then as I'm leaving the room and shutting the door I say "See you in the future", but that future is so far away right now that I can't hardly stand it.

Maybe I'm a panz... but I stood in their room, shooting Nerf ball, and crying... missing all the love that has been added to our house by two little boys.

I can't imagine life any other way... all the inconvenience melts away in the overwhelming torrent of the love of my boys.

Our reunion will be GLORIOUS!

Little Pleasures...

2009-07-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

I just received a new print out for my phone with all the extensions correct to how I have my desk phone set up... it's not much, but it makes me smile every time I look at it.

Sleep....

2009-07-12T06:15:00.003-05:00

I've never been much of an insomniac, but over the past week I've not slept well AT ALL! Not sure what this is all about. I've never been a night guy, meaning I'm ready to sleep around 10 PM. Now though I can't fall asleep until midnight or later and I'm waking up in the middle of the night and still waking up early.

Not sure what's going on here, but I'm not real keen on it. I feel really foggy this morning and the whole speaking for a living gig doesn't fit well with foggy. You have to have a mind about you to string sentences together in an semblance of understandable thought.

We'll see what happens

Sometimes I just want to quit...

2009-06-30T11:58:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days.

I feel alone.

I feel helpless to affect life around me.

I feel like everything I do is a mistake, and no one really gets me.

I feel like packing up my family, selling our house and everything in it, both cars and buying one way plane tickets to Hawaii where we'll all live out our lives happily on the beach.

But feelings are just feelings and they will pass. Maybe I need a nap.

Hard and Bad don't have to stay Hard and Bad

2009-06-25T09:20:00.004-05:00

I had a weird recognition of my life yesterday. I will round out my 10th year as a Student Ministries Director in about a week. That along with some recent happenings brought me to look back over the past decade. I'll spare you ALL the gritty details, but here's what I've learned.

1. Though a situation looks bleak it never stays that way... at least in 10 years it never has.
2. In the middle of EVERYTHING, there is something to learn.
3. The things that feel the hardest to do, generally end up being the easiest... it was just my brain that made them hard.
4. Quick action sets up a speedy resolve.
5. Communication is key... letting people know what's happening at all times somehow makes the situation easier.
Lastly... Someone has to be positive about it... if you are, you have the chance to change something bad into something good.

I'm definitely still growing in this area. Even as I sit here on the precipice of something large, I'm internally panicking. I can't externally, because it involves Angel, and she needs me to have it together right now. So, I write this to remind me of what I've learned, and this too will take the above turns... I'm sure of it.

Father's Day weirdness....

2009-06-21T09:13:00.002-05:00

It's funny... I don't think I've missed my dad in YEARS. Don't get me wrong... I love my dad, and love when he comes and visits and we talk, but miss having him around? NAW!

Today... this Father's Day 2009... I miss my dad. I'm not sure if it's the fear of him dying and me being without him, or the sappy quotes about Father's I've been reading all morning, but I miss my dad.

Thanks Dad for helping to mold me into the man I am today. You may never know it, but I did pay attention.

Working out...

2009-06-12T08:13:00.002-05:00

It's funny that you can use the words working out to mean... "Yeah, I'm working out 3 times a week." and "Yeah, that's just not working out."

Unfortunately in my life I use that phrase this way "Working out, just isn't working out."

Last week my wife and I started the push to be healthy once more. Not that we are extremely UNhealthy, but we want to be in better shape than current shape.

See the whole reason we planned to have our boys at the young age that we did, was so we could be lively and active as they got into their teenage years. Plus, we'd still be young when they were out of the house, potentially young grandparents, and through the whole process we'd be spry and active. That takes a lot more effort than it did when I was a teenager, or even in my lower to mid twenties.

So, we start that effort up again, and my shoulders, biceps, triceps, delts, you name it... are sore. Good sore, but sore none the less. Today was supposed to be a cardio day with basketball this morning, but my comrades have left me hanging, so sometime today I have to go it alone. I will enjoy my 30's, 40's and beyond... I know it's possible as I look at a friend of mine Woody who is 30 years older than me, and could probably kick my butt three ways from Thursday.

Time to get this party started

This cracked me up!

2009-05-20T10:20:00.000-05:00

TRUST...

2009-05-19T10:00:00.002-05:00

I had a really cool moment today. In our staff meeting there was a moment of discussion that lead to a point of a trust in the people who lead us, or not. I had definitely become a person that didn't trust anyone... especially church leaders, and I didn't flinch. I trust the people who lead me, and I had no problem trusting them here too.

I watched as some people asked a lot of questions, not that the questions were bad at all, and I just sat there.

This is a nice new place. I like feeling comfortable with my leaders.

Spencer's big night...

2009-05-07T12:05:00.007-05:00

1st Corinthians 1:30

That was the note where things started coming together. Spencer copied that from the screen in the Big Room during the 1st Wednesday service last night. I honestly thought he was doodling on his little pad of paper, but when I looked over I see him writing "Christ Jesus". Then I realized "He's copying this verse.

As I helped him get it written down, because he was so adamant that it must be done, I internally asked myself. "Why is he doing this?" I got the answer to that question quickly.

Spencer looks at me after copying words like righteousness, holiness and redemption and says quietly "What does this mean dad?" WHOA! In my brain I stammered like a bumbling idiot. How do I take something so huge. Something that Spencer has been asking questions about for a YEAR now, and break it down succinctly. "COME ON JOHN" I was yelling at my inner self "You're a weekly communicator, you can do this!" Not sure if I was pumping myself up, or scared to death. What came out was definitely simple, but I was unsure of it's impact upon my initial delivery. I said "Well, it means that you aren't good enough on your own." To which Spencer quickly responded "I know that dad." "I need Jesus!"

What happened then can only be captured if you have seen the show Scrubs. The main character JD (appropriate) has conversations inside his head all the time that we, the audience, are opened up to through the magic of television. That is me at this point.

"I can't believe he just said that. Is he really putting all this together. Has a years worth of conversations, and struggles, and Spencer getting frustrated with us culminated at this point?"

Then my eye was caught by Angel who mouthed to me "What's going on?" I mouthed back with tears in my eyes "I think he gets it!"

Communion was going on at this point, and I had a stale cracker and the tiniest cup of juice known to man in my hand. Uncharacteristically we were being walked through communion by Jeremy tonight. Again, inside I'm bursting waiting for this to end so I can take Spencer to a more conducive environment to have a conversation. A few minutes later that ended and as we transitioned in the Big Room to the next element... Spencer and I slipped out across the atrium, through the high school room and into my office.

I can't tell you how hard my heart was beating at this point. SO MUCH PRESSURE! He's seven years old. I really don't want him to do the whole "I said a prayer at 7, but it didn't mean anything" deal. And I can't control that, but I can be careful. So, the question is: Where do I go with this conversation when I reach my office?

I'll spare you the every little detail, but let's put it this way. Over the next 20 minutes I asked lots of questions, we read lots of snippets of the Bible, and he got it! He knew what sin was. He knew he was a sinner. He knew about Jesus, and that Jesus and God are the same person. And with little tears in his eyes he said "Dad, I want to have a relationship with God." WHOA! You dream of that moment as a father who is a Christ-follower. I always was kinda jealous every week he went to Kid Stuf thinking that he might step over that line without me, but here it was.

We read Romans 10:9-10 and talked about what it meant and then I said... "Would you like to do that?" Spencer didn't speak... just a little grin, and a shake of the head. I told him that I wanted him to pray and just tell God what he wanted. Honestly at this point I expected something small and very childish. That's not what I heard. I heard "God, thank you for Jesus. Thank you for loving me. I want you to take my whole life, and I want to live for you. I love you" I had told Spencer that I would pray after he did, but oxygen was just not getting into my lungs... I breathed out REALLY hard, and then with a gush I just thanked God for that moment, and asked that He would help me as a father to help Spencer. To never impede his relationship by provoking Spencer.

When we both looked at each other... my little man Grabbed me around my neck, and SQUEEZED me so hard, I thought I would pass out. He could do nothing but smile. We left my office, and as we walked into the atrium... everything was ending. You would have thought Spencer won a $1000. He was telling everyone what had happened to him.

I left from there that night excited, and scared. Excited that my son had grown to this place in life... scared, because the stakes had been raised on me as a father.

Now, we introduce him to the Holy Spirit, and how to live everyday in every moment WITH JESUS. Now we all learn how to ABIDE and REMAIN in Christ TOGETHER.

Oh, and we gave Spencer his first job in following Christ. To show his brother a good picture of following Christ.

One down, one to go! I always thought as a father that I would be teaching my kids... I never realized how much they would teach me.

Thank you God for my little boys.

This chick is sick!

2009-04-30T11:52:00.001-05:00

Things I don't like about me...

2009-04-30T07:23:00.005-05:00

For almost all my life I've struggled with giving wrong perceptions of myself. It looks a couple of different ways, and no matter what I do to try to combat this I still fall WAY short.

It takes form of people saying that they are intimidated by me. If I was really tall, and super buff I'd have a little more understanding of this one. My wife said it's my eyebrows... that they grow angrily. SO, I trimmed my eyebrows like a super-metro. I was told by someone else that it was because I always have an answer for things. So, I started telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE "I'm not sure... let me get back to you". Still, nothing! A close friend told me that I needed to walk out of conversations feeling like a pushover, and that my natural personality would balance me out to normal. NOTHING!

THIS IS SUCH A FRUSTRATION IN MY LIFE! I literally sat in my office yesterday after hearing about this happening again and cried. I am at such a loss.

UNFORTUNATELY, it doesn't just end there.

Seems as though at a very high rate of failure I misrepresent my thoughts to people. Somehow I give a perception that is contrary to my heart in situations. I have conversations with people, walk away from them and think "WOW, that was awesome! We really saw eye to eye there." Then I hear later that the other parties takeaway was no where, where I thought we were. So, one conversation has to then become two or three, because I have to go back and seek to understand and ask forgiveness and begin all over to move through the miscommunication.

I HAVE to think that this is a problem with me. It happens at too high of a rate with me, and not as much with other people.

So, I don't know if I need to come with some type of disclaimer or guarantee of satisfaction statement?

Getting older...

2009-04-28T07:38:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling the onset of my age. Creeping in like an oncoming thunderstorm of epic proportions.

FOR INSTANCE:

Yesterday I played an hour of basketball from 7am - 8am
Went disc golfing from 10:20am - 1pm (translation... LONG hike)
Soccer practice for Brookville JV from 3-5pm (played, not just coaching)

Today my left knee is super tight, and tired.

Summary? I'm not rebounding as well as I used to. Gotta keep going at it though... I'm not going to be the status quo old man, and I'm not even old yet... a mere 32 year old kid.

Here's to good health and exercise.

Ignorance and Arrogance is bliss... I suppose

2009-04-23T12:21:00.002-05:00

I abhor when ignorant people try to point out ignorance....

We are smarter than I am...

2009-04-21T07:31:00.002-05:00

Growing up I was taught that you needed to sit and think until you had the answer, and that no other ministry could possibly have input to the DNA of who you are in your ministry.

Basically that I have to be the smartest one......... but, I'm not, and it's good to have others.

Today we met with Taffy AKA Christopher Taffala, the worship guy from Saddleback Student Ministries.

What a helpful time of sharing what God is doing from coast to coast.

Collaboration ROCKS!

Music that effects me at a deep level...

2009-04-19T18:13:00.004-05:00

Here's one for the little weird guy/girl...

2009-04-19T00:26:00.003-05:00

Go watch this NOW! Seems like really cool stories come out of Britain's Got Talent. I would have embedded it, but it didn't let me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

What then How...

2009-04-18T06:53:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I took in a thought from a favorite speaker of mine that has wrecked my life ever since.

Basically he said that when leading people, that leaders need to be "what" people instead of "how" people. Meaning that I have a responsibility to help people dream. To ask them "what" makes their hearts beat fast, what big dream is inside of them. To just dream with them in a "what" kind of way. Instead of being a reality check and asking "how?"

I am a "how" guy. My first instinct is "how". Not that it will stop me from trying and going forward with an idea, but I ask "how". I crush dreams ALL the time, not excluding my own!

Don't get me wrong here... I still think "how" is important. I think "how" is necessary. I just want to be more of a "what" guy, who knows when to ask "how".

Wonder where this is going to take me?

Quicky Collaboration

2008-10-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I typed a short funny this morning and then an old Friend (Thanks Chris Day) added to it... here's what we came up with.

Coffee, your aroma is intoxicating. You fill my mucus-filled cavities will sniffs of heaven. You waft into the orifices of my head like the songs of George Michael (also very addicting). You set up camp in my nose and wait for me enjoy your decadence. Surely splenda and creamer will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of stars and bucks forever amen!

Talking is one thing...

2008-10-19T18:56:00.002-05:00

It's so much easier to talk about something, than to actually do it. Straight out of the talk about Love being the hard things... my whole family is confronted with the chance to REALLY love...

Hope we don't screw it up!

HIT IN THE FACE!

2008-10-15T14:59:00.004-05:00

This post title to me is funny because I've literally been hit in the face and figuratively/spiritually been hit in the face today.

Let me explain...

LITERALLY (it's easier to start here)
I play basketball a few times a week with some friends, and from time to time I end up on a mismatch. Today was that day, and not in my favor. I was guarding Bob today... Bob's a big guy! Well, to keep the story short... at one point today, I went for the ball only to be met by some extremity of Bob's. I felt like I was punched... seriously, the last time I felt that... I was being hit by another guy in the boys bathroom in High School. It's hours later, and I can still feel it.

FIGURATIVELY/SPIRITUALLY
This was not much different honestly. I still feel it, and it still hurts. I like Podcasts... A LOT! And I have made it a habit to listen to them while I workout. I like to change my music too much to listen to music while I workout. So, today I'm listening to Andy Stanley... a series they did at North Point called "It Came From Within". The whole series has been eye opening, but this one was a HIT IN THE FACE!

He was talking about Greed, and honestly no one wants to call themselves greedy. Although as Americans... WE ARE A GREEDY NATION! So, anyways Andy makes a statement, which actually isn't his statement... it's God's from Matthew, he said this:

"If you're eyes are generous... you will be generous. If you're eyes are envious... you will be envious."

OUCH! WHO JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE?

So many times I find myself looking at STUFF and thinking: "Why can't I have a cool car", "I want a basketball goal", "I want a plasma tv, blackberry, new macbook" stuff I don't really dwell on, but check this. I also get letters from kids who are going to China to help people see God in a more clear light, and the first thing I do is say "Well, I'll pray for you" giving isn't even an option for me.

My eyes and subsequently my heart... are not generous! Yet, I'm trying to raise two boys to be generous men. So, letter on my table from random student... you arrived at THE right time.

Finding Purpose

2008-10-14T19:56:00.004-05:00

I've been trying to do this blogging thing for about 2 years now, and I get a good head of steam only to run out of coal. All failures aside... I'm going at it again.

I really want my boys in future years to be able to read this, and know what was happening in my heart... I want my wife to be able to read this now, and know things that I SUCK at communicating.

I'm submitting to the fact that life doesn't suck... I SUCK!

But even I can find healing

Never Give Up!

2008-08-27T15:33:00.003-05:00

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don't you quit.

Life is crazy with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

I Voted (I think)

2008-02-12T21:10:00.001-05:00

I Voted (I think)
Originally uploaded by rustyrabbit

The democratic process is confusing.

Take that word... confusing.

Con... meaning without right?

fusing, from the word fuse which means... according to Mr. Webster

"to combine or blend"

Without blending...

I thought democracy was supposed to unite us?

How silly of me.

Wisdom from Wilbur...

2008-02-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

"Not so sure being in the same place... is the same as being friends."

Greater words have never been spoken...

Ever felt attacked?

2008-02-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

I just felt that way, and the picture represents what it did to me. My thoughts everywhere, and it was hard to distinguish me and God. I know it didn't honor God in everything I did... that's a hard place to come to. Hope I learn something from this.

SUPER bowl

2008-02-03T23:44:00.000-05:00

IT WAS SUPER! That's the best superbowl I've seen in a while. Such great stories too! Most of the superbowls should be... mediocre bowls.

I hope this continues and becomes a trend... I just might get into football.

WHAT A WEEK!

2008-01-31T22:48:00.000-05:00

Yeah! I know it's not over, but WHOA! It will be rewarding, but as of right now I'M BEAT! I love building projects, and I love my job, don't confuse this with complaining. But, my job is SOOO different from most. I have times of thick... when I work a ton (i.e. this week) and times of thin when I work a little (i.e. hasn't happened a ton). Overall though... Blue Ridge is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I hope everyone enjoys the theatre... it was a fun project!

Taking over...

2008-01-20T22:59:00.000-05:00

Who knew?

Who knew that bowling with over 100 people could be so fun?

Some of you are like... DUH???

Others are still shaking in their skin after reading that.

We TOOK OVER the AMF Bowling CENTER... yeah, not alley... today.

Tons of fun faces...

AND... exciting new bowling skills...

And OF COURSE... fun ensued!

Friendships and fun make life grand...

What a great day!

The end really isn't the end...

2008-01-01T01:50:00.000-05:00

Wow! What fun you can have with people!

We went to Balboa Park in San Diego, CA to kill some time (some time = 14 hours) before the first flight of people left for VA. We saw huge trees... and created our own paths. Woody and Don and I must have climbed every possible tree. We cut a path through the park to find our car... down a huge hill... up the other side... Bridges, our lone female travel partner had a great sense of humor about it, and played along.

Then we checked out Old Towne in San Diego...

I found my street! And again, just had a blast with the people I'm hanging with... We had to walk 15 miles today. All over San Diego. Up and down the streets downtown... looking for food, only to wind up at a Wendy's???? Then we decided to camp out and wait for the New Years Eve fireworks over the bay... it was a little cold

But we did see some fireworks... I honestly could have just been warm and skipped the fireworks, but we would have missed the fun! People thought we were crazy as they walked by... I even stuck my hand out like I was a bum or something.

Then we finished out the 2007 with a half a mile walk (more like a mile and a half) while dragging our luggage, to the airport. Where we all settled down in the terminal for a long winters nap.

Tomorrow I travel back to VA... I think this adventure is just getting started!

The Beginning of the end...

2007-12-31T13:29:00.000-05:00

We left for the states today... I'm unsure of my feelings right now. I can't make heads or tails of what I've seen or even how it's affected me. I love the people I've been here with, and I've seen stuff to change me... just not sure exactly how it will all play out yet.

BTW... Crossing the border back to America is hard

But when you're back... there are advantages.

MMM... In and Out... if you haven't experienced it... you just don't know.

Adventure Day 5

2007-12-30T21:19:00.000-05:00

Let's just say... I agreed with this little boy during the service...

"And that's all I have to say about that"

Then we met this lady...Viki!

What an awesome lady...

She has no support from anyone other than herself, and she loves on probably 30-40 kids EVERYDAY. She feeds them... teaches them, and will ultimately CHANGE their lives, because of it!

This was a rollercoaster day.

Well, thank God for fire again. We walked down the blustery beach... bought some wood... made a huge fire, and celebrated our last night in Mexico. I can't really sum up this trip yet... give me time.e

Adventure Day 4

2007-12-29T22:09:00.000-05:00

There are some beautiful sights here... and some gross things directly to the left of this picture.

This is Jose Luis' place.

it looks good right?

So, what didn't connect with my soul? It felt strange... I heard nothing about the Holy Spirit... in fact, it felt like "church" as usual. We need to make the "church", translate building... longer, or wider for the people. Really? i guess we'll find out even the necessity of that tomorrow as we will be coming here to worship with the REAL church... the people.

So, let's move to tonight... we made a fire... sat down, talked... LAUGHED... holy cow we laughed. I thought Bridges was going to pee herself. Told more stories about our lives... prayed, and these people are my family now. I love them all in unique ways. They are my brothers... they are my sisters... and I'm changed because of them.

Our time here is waning and it's kinda sad... I love my wife... I miss her... I'd like to even talk to her, but this is really special.

Adventure Day 3

2007-12-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

We started our day very similar, but with it's own taste today. We sat in the sun, shared a few stories of our lives... prayed together, and I am feeling SOO close to my adventure-mates.

Then we started out, and we encountered a pretty cool place... at first glance Rancho Genesis feels different from most things we've seen here. It was just put together really well. I could see care?!

And Marcos... Not Ricos (Sorry Bill)

He's an amazing guy. Such a cool calm... God presence about him. He was intriguing to all of us, because he kept saying "Iglesia nuevo". For you who speak only American... that's New Church. He felt a desire for "church" to be different. My heart hooked with his when he said that. Unfortunately with a language barrier, and with him having no context to explain what he means... we didn't get past the surface of that thought. We all want to though...

I think we did other stuff, but that was the highlight! I hope we can talk again, and learn more somehow.

And this is the place that his heart beats fast for... I'll call this Lynchburg, Mexico. The real name is El Zorillo! What a dark dark place. There were multiple church buildings, but no God. We were even threatened by a boy with only one foot while here. Not sure, but I could see God doing some cool things here!

Oh... did I mention that I really like these people God has put me on this trip with... I'm having a blast, and feel really close to God right now... it's AMAZING!

Adventure Day 2

2007-12-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

Waking up to this is strange...

We walked on the beach this morning... so dirty, and so full of HUGE shells... the boys will love these.

We ate breakfast... shared some stories, which were AMAZING, prayed together and were off. What a GREAT start to the day.

We met a neat couple named Riggo and Marta that taught a Bible Scohol in a dingy little town...

Then they took us to meet some interesting people that have taught me a little more about life.

These Oaxacan indians (pronounced Wah-Haw-Can) have relatively nothing. The children spend all day everyday alone... they take care of each other. You don't see this as much in American culture... siblings despise little brothers and/or sisters. It's left only to the parents. Now, I'm not saying that parents should abdicate their responsibilities to parent to the kids... but there's something to say about what we saw today. Also... WE HAVE A LOT. It was about 40 degrees today with a strong wind blowing, and most of these kids didn't even have coats... and they were fine. There were no Nintendo DS's... no TV's... just a halfway inflated soccer ball, a few toy trucks (most with at least one missing wheel) and then the children themselves. They would sit in groups to keep warm, and LOVED when we would take pictures of them... when they could see themselves right after.

We need to simplify life.

Then I had one last experience that is AWESOME!

Tacos Los Poblanos...

The picture says it all... AMAZING food, and really cheap.

Oh, and I really like the people I'm here with. We're sharing the stories of our lives... one at a time, and these are AMAZING people. I can't wait to hear more. I LOVE hearing stories.

Beginning an adventure

2007-12-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

That's me... leaving Columbus airport on my way to Las Vegas...

On my way to San Diego... on my way ultimately to Mexico...

That's it... my home away from home for a week. Not sure at this point what's going to go on... I'm excited, a little anxious, and thinking that something really cool is going to happen. I'm here with people that I know, but don't KNOW... so, at least I'll get to know them a little better.

There's no heat in this place, and it's a little cold... it's weird leaving my family the day after Christmas, and a little hard leaving Angel as she cried at the airport. Still, I'm on an adventure, and pretty excited about it. Time to sleep... I've been traveling all day, and already done some STUPID things... bringing the keys to the van with me, and having to overnight them back to Ohio for Angel... GOOD JOB MORON!

We'll see what tomorrow holds

Christmastime

2007-12-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a little weird when you think about it. We all have the images in our heads... We waste paper by wrapping up boxes of forgettable things that people don't REALLY need... just so we can watch them rip it apart, and we throw the paper away, but save those bows...

Well, it could be different, but while it's not... I had a good one! it is kinda fun when I set my cynicism aside... my boys get excited, and the thing that was amazing for my heart... they were EXTREMELY thankful. Hugging and kissing and showing love to EVERYONE that they were around... whether there was a gift involved or not.

Christmas = LOVE, and I think they are starting to get that.

That was my favorite part this Christmas.

Insulted by my Wii

2007-12-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

Yes... I have a Wii...

It's great! I love the family interaction that it can be. I love it because I grew up with Nintendo, and now I get to grow up again with my kids with Nintendo. I love that it has stuff for little kids, and medium kids, and even big kids like me.

One of my new favorite features is calle the "Check Mii Out Channel". It cool because they have contests to create a Mii (avatar) based on a subject, and then people from all over the world vote on it. This strokes my artistic side in a cartoon sort of way, and finds me daily checking to see how my Mii's have done, or if I did well, while voting.

However, today... the Wii and Me... had a falling out. At least the Check Mii Out Channel on the Wii and Me. I had voted for the first time on a group of Tooth Fairy Avatars. And, I don't like the norm... I like things that stretch the boundaries of norm and make a new norm. So, I voted that way! Well, the Wii didn't like that. In fact here's what it said to me:

"The Miis you selected don't really match up with the winners of the contest, but with a little practice, you'll start to see what other people are looking for."

With a little practice I can see what other people are looking for? WHY I OUGHTA! I don't want to practice seeing the world the way that other people do... in fact... sometimes I feel like other people should just see the world the way that I do, and everything would be just grand!

From a gaming system that has broken all the traditional rules of how gaming should look, act and feel... you would think that they would celebrate individuality a little more.

My wife said that I should see this as a compliment, but... it's not working for me just yet.

SO I SAY... PRACTICE SEEING THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY AND MAYBE ONE DAY YOU TOO WILL BE INSULTED BY YOUR Wii!

Coffee and Heroin

2007-12-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

Today I met a young man... 21 years young... who's life is in a downward spiral. He started using drugs at 12 years old and progressed from experimenting with marijuana to today being a full blown heroin addict. Honestly though, his addiction to heroin is no different than mine to coffee...

Which got me to thinking... why? Why is one addiction OK, and another one not? Me being addicted to coffee is socially acceptable, heck... it's commercially propelled! Now, I'm comparing coffee and crank I realize, but let's be honest. I get the shakes and cranky and headaches when I don't have coffee. I realize at different times my addiction and desire to break the bond of coffee to me, and will go through weeks of detox where I endure the horrible side-effects of not drinking coffee. Different than detoxing from Heroin? Yes. Similar? Yes.

But addictions are more than coffee and heroin. There are people addicted to porn, alcohol, sex, work, sleep, shopping, eating... you name it! What's the difference? Is there a difference? Maybe culturally there is, but overall... I don't think so.

I wish you enough

2007-12-05T16:50:00.001-05:00

As Chrismahanukwanzakah sets in (See video below, and have a freakin sense of humor)...

...the talk has been a lot about what to get the boys, what to get your parents, what to get our friends, and ultimately... what is this all really about?

Well, I'm sorry, but I can't ride the Jesus is the Reason for the Season float. A little research shows otherwise. Plus, if you call yourself a Christ-Follower... Jesus should be the reason for every season. Don't get all spiritual on me because it's Christmas, and you think that a brown haired, blue eyed little caucasian boy was born in Bethlehem, and that the world is going to Hell because the stores don't want to put Merry Christmas up in the windows. I'm sorry, but the God I serve is bigger than that, and probably laughs at all of us... at least I would if I was God... he "probably" has a little more grace than I do.

I digress... My point is, we are rich. As Americans, we are so filthy rich, and have so much, but whine for more. I do it too... don't get me wrong, but it's been getting at my nerves. I'm sure the latest series at Blue Ridge here has added to it as well. I whine because I don't have a house, and don't know how I'll ever buy a house, because the stinkin market is SO REDICULOUS here... but I have a home, with three bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, it's heated and cooled, the roof doesn't leak, I have a kitchen that is always full of food, 2 televisions, computers, machines to wash my clothes, cook my food, and then clean up after I eat my food, I own 2 cars, and most of all... I have a loving wife and 2 very healthy boys who love me as well.

Below is my wish for you for this Chrismahanukwanzakah... YEAR... LIFETIME...

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hello's to get you through the final good-bye.

"When I say , 'I wish you enough', I'm wanting you to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain you".

I want to live a life of enough... not of want for more.

I have a problem...

2007-11-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

I did not go to school here:

But when it comes to football... I'm obsessed, and I don't even know why. Honestly, I'm obsessed to the point that it bothers me. I don't konw exactly where it came from. My dad is not an alum... my dad is not a huge fan... it just sort of happened from growing up in Ohio.

For instance... I'm totally bent out of shape right now because the Buckeyes lost their first game today to NO ONE... Illinois. Unranked beating #1. I had to turn the game off at halftime, and go out to not let it get to a REALLY bad place. Then I return home to find that it's happened... they've lost... not a good time in my life.

Why is this? It's a game... not life... not death... not important in the grand scheme of things. I love sports, but if they keep doing this to me... I'm going to have to quit cold-turkey. Wish they had the NCAA patch.

geesh! Well,

Hope I get this ironed out before basketball season... I bleed BLUE during NCAA Basketball!

Keep Moving Forward...

2007-11-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

People like Walt Disney have always been inspiring to me. Their stories, and the quotes that have transcended time. I heard a good one recently. Apparently he would tell this to new people coming in, and those interested in the Disney process.

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."

I think I'm a keep moving forward kind of guy... almost to a fault. Looking back is good, don't get me wrong. I know we learn from the past... in fact I LOVE history too. But if we look back, just to look back, and we keep looking back... well, just try walking that way. It won't turn out well. I love being curious, and heading down new paths. I love seeing where things will take me. Almost being a step behind myself.

Open up doors, do new things... BE CURIOUS, because curiosity may have killed the cat, but it gave the mouse a whole new life.

Thanks for being inspiring Walt!

...Smell my feet, give me something good to eat!

2007-11-01T06:30:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten a part of my childhood until Spencer came home from Kindergarten with something new that his teacher had taught him... you all know it, so go ahead and say it out loud, promise it will make any stress go away.

"Trick or Treat... Smell my feet... Give me something GOOD to eat... If you don't... I DON'T CARE... I"ll pull down your underwear!"

Yeah! Good job! Don't you feel better? I mean... what if we really operated life in this manner? What if you went to McD's and applied this? #1... You'd be pullin' some underwear down FO' SHO! Secondly, how would they respond??? Can you imagine the looks?

I know that maybe I shouldn't like Halloween so much, because it's "pagan", but it's hilarious! I love it when people get into it, and have a blast. I love watching my kids dress up...

I love wathing them get excited about their acquisitions of the night...

Maybe pagan holidays have a good plan... HAVE FUN... People will like it!

Remember your childhood... it's good for you! If you didn't get to trick or treat as a wee lad... go for it now... dress up... live vicariously through your kids for halloween. They'll love you for it!

Castastic!!!

2007-10-31T11:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I knew it was coming... I kind of expected it sooner, but wanted it later. We had Zach's first cast put on today. It was surreal almost. Watching as a big man, put a little cast on a 3 year old boy. I'm super proud as a dad, because he went 2 weeks with his arm broken without complaining. In fact the day that he broke it... in the moment he broke it... NOTHING! He cried a little, but man... the kid fell down about 8 steps. As a dad... I like the toughness! RAISING KIDS IS HARD!! Here's to all the parents of the world. Real American Heroes.

Frustrating, Amazing, and some other "...ing's"

2007-10-20T19:14:00.000-05:00

So, we did a harvest festival today. I don't think anyone expected what happened. As far as I'm concerned... over 7000 people got to see "church" in a different light. Not sure if it will stick, or if it will make a huge difference, but I have a good feeling it will. So many cool comments I heard from people like: "I can't believe they're playing the Rolling Stones" and "I've never seen people like this".

It honestly was a very hard week leading up to this... frustrating with getting things together... people who were going to help backing out for different reasons... some good, others not so good. Packages getting lost, sleep getting lost, sanity getting lost... But I'd do it all over again. I must have met a couple hundred new people, and that's FUN!

I hope we do it again, and you (If you missed out) can come!

FireGOD

2007-10-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

I LOVE FIRE! Yeah I said it! Fire is an amazing thing that God made to show us that He's the junk! For you over the age of 25... that's a good thing.

Anyways... have you ever had something that you just hold on to? Maybe someone did something to you? Or you did something that is contrary to the nature of God, and you feel like He could never forgive you for that, and so we hold on to it. It eats at us, and bothers us... BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD LET IT GO?

Ahhhh... but that's the real idea, and this is what God wants to do with it:

So, why are you still holding on? Let it go

2007-09-23T18:57:00.000-05:00

So, I just got back from vacation and as you can see it was magical. Though that looks like a postcard, that is actually an Angel Art Original. What a truly amazing time. Riding Dumbo the flying Elephant with Zachary, my three year old son. Not only riding, but giving him the up vertical controls... I never thought you could get sick on Dumbo... it is plausible though. Flying over London with Peter Pan, floating through our small world (with that ANNOYING song playing). Dancing and singing breaking out spontaneously as though I'm in the middle of a real life musical. Go carts driven by 6 year olds, runaway miner trains, mountains that splash and multiple space adventures. All ending with the pièce de résistance... the magnum opus... the fireworks to end all fireworks. Skillfully timed, beautifully executed, tinkerbell flying out of the castle. Well, look at the picture again... you get the idea.

And you may think... that's an amazing vacation... OH, but it ends not there my friends...

That's right... the Beach! Right on the beach... hearing it every morning when I woke. On the beach by 8am... scouring the miles of sand for shells. Watching two little boys get their first taste of salt water... sour looks and all. Floating in waves, squinting at sun, making tie dyed t-shirts... ALL memories that can never be taken from me.

I wish you all... beautiful HOLIDAY with your loved ones... may they burn deep into your souls for eternity.

Somethings Amis

2007-09-12T11:52:00.000-05:00

So, I just finished watching Ratatouille, and realized that I must have some type of emotional imbalance going on. I cried at the rats story, and the lives of rats and people intertwining... IT"S A CARTOON!

I'm glad I'm going on vacation on Saturday... I think I need it.

Upgrade power

2007-08-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

I just read the craziest thing on Appalachian Power website. It said "Upgrade Power"... seriously, upgrade power? What do you call the power company and say "Hey, this is John... could I get more power, or better power sent over here to my house?" How do you upgrade power... you get to know the power guy and he sends you the best of the power, or the first power that's made that day so you don't have to wait (look close for sarcasm).

The problem with most people though is that we do have a power that we can upgrade... and we just stay with the crappy power. I'm afraid I do this all the time. I have an amazing power source at my disposal, and what do I do? I don't call and ask for it, because it sounds like a ludicrous deal. WHEN WILL I LEARN?

I AM

2007-05-31T11:46:00.000-05:00

...selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye and roped me in so mesmerizing
so hypnotizing
I am captivated

Distorted God

2007-05-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

What a day. To say I've experienced paradoxical day would be an understatement.

This morning I got to be in what has become very fun and relaxing environment for me. So, much so that I'm consistently showing up late... I know that's weird, but part of the paradox. The BRSM staff meeting on Tuesday mornings is so great. It's challenging, it's a bunch of my friends, it's fun at Panera. Plus, this morning we added more love to the potion with Steve Mesanko starting his internship with us. What a great guy, and a great addition to the team.

Then, I went to what is most likely the most harsh environment I've ever been to. Today Jerry Falwell was laid to rest, and his funeral took place. Honestly, I was not a huge Jerryfan, but I have been learning how to respect people with different opinions. I've really struggled with this through the death of Dr. Falwell, because well, let's just say I've struggled. Today however, I met people who made my definition of Christian weirdo's change. Westboro Baptist Church, and Shirley ???, the main voice of WBC and godhatesamerica.com, were protesting Jerry's funeral, and we decided to go and interview them, in an attempt to understand them better. I left with the most bitter feeling all over me, not in me mind you. Bitterness spewed from Shirley's mouth, and left me in a weird state. You'd think then walking away and seeing people protest them would be a cheer up, but I seriously have to ask... what good does that do? I felt so much controversy, and so much compassion for the Falwell family today. They couldn't even bury their father, grandfather, husband... in peace.

Then the paradox ramped up as I returned to Blue Ridge, and it's environment of love. That love looks like a hugely dysfunctional family at times, but what love. No one is ever spiteful, or hateful. Plus, I got to spend about 45 minutes talking to God with people who are praising His every movement. What movement lately too.

Crazy day? I vote "YES".

KEWL Day

2007-05-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an amazing day! In fact the worst thing about it was how long it was, and that I didn't get to see my Angel, and my boys very much.

NEways... Blue Ridge this morning... Baptism service which are the BEST ever. A friend of mine named Joe proposed to his ex-wife right before he was baptized, and they are getting remarried... AMAHZING!

After Blue Ridge... Peaks View Park with a bunch of my friends for about 4 hours of playing soccer, basketball, and just general tom-foolery.

Took my friend Andy home afterwards, around 5:30pm... went to my home. Changed clothes into my soccer duds. Played some basketball with MY boys... kissed em bye, and off to Soccer.

Soccer back at Peaks View Park for about hour and a half with my new Kenyan/Ghanan friends. Started getting tired, so off to HOME.

Got home around 8:30pm... watched the 400th episode of The Simpsons... ate a whole can of Pineapple, and fell asleep on the couch with my head almost off the side, and my feet up on the back of the couch... YEAH, don't know how that happened.

Kissed my boys in their sleep, and went to bed myself with my Beautiful wife. She wrapped her arms around me, kissed me goodnight, and that's the last thing I remember.

WHAT A DAY!!! I'm the MOST BLESSED man alive! Off to the Grocery store now!

Best thing that no one saw

2007-05-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

So today I got to go golfing. Unfortunately/fortunately by myself.

I know that statement is weird, but it's true in this case. Generally golfing is a community sport for me. I go with friends, we hang out, trash talk, and all suck together. Today, though I needed some time alone.

See, we're on "vacation" (quotes added for emphasis), and for the past few days my niece has been staying with my in-laws, which in this case means me. First off, being an only child... I can only take a bunch of people for so long, and then I go bezerk. Secondly, I have two boys, who are rough and tumble, and very respectful (I think) and well, my one niece is about to rub me raw. (No offense to my sister, or brother-in-law if you read this).

Actually I should say this... I do love Kaylee, and she can be very sweet, and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt right now that everything in life has been turned upside down with her mom having a new baby girl, and having some major complications... she may be in the hospital for a while the way things sound. There's really no such thing as a bad kid. I digress though.

So, I go golfing just to escape everyone. What a day... beautiful 80 degree weather. Nice quiet course. Just some retirees on the course hittin around. Me, my bag and the wide open. And then it happened....

Something amazing, and bewildering all at the same time.

I GOT A HOLE IN ONE!

I never thought that would happen to me... I really am a hack. But it did, and here's the paradox.

NO ONE WAS AROUND! I've heard stories from people about getting a hole in one, and no one can vouch, and it's really tough to believe... and then I add my story of HOW to follow, and expect people to believe? Well, actually I expect skepticism, as I would be skeptical of me, had I not seen it with my own eyes.

Here's how it went down:

18th hole
slight breeze behind me
great day already to remember
my best round of golf TO DATE

it's a short hole... only 96 yards
I break out my pitching wedge... take a deep breath and tee off

As happens with me occassionally I pull the ball off to my left. But also to my left is a driving range, and protecting the driving range is a 40 foot high net. My ball careens off of the net, falls to the ground where it bounces off the cart path... taking a HUGE leap that would clear ANY major league ballpark homerun wall. The ball then lands, yes lands, on the green about 4 foot from the hole. Somehow it then finds enough strength after it's perilous journey to roll it's way into the cup.

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! After looking around and seeing that no one was there... I almost cursed out loud... I just kept them in my head.

Just to help give you some point of view to imagine this with... I took some pictures.

THAT'S MY STORY, AND I'M STICKING TO IT!

Eyes

2007-05-09T10:24:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard that eyes are the windows to the soul? I've always been a firm believer of that. Look deep into someones eyes. It's almost like you can see their past and their future slamming together in one amazing transcendent moment... right there in their eyes. Eyes show pain, reveal hopelessness, share joy and release streams of love that we call tears. Enough of my dissertation though... here's my reason.

A few nights ago I looked into the eyes of someone who I had previously seen anger and resentment in their eyes. When we spoke this time though... I saw tenderness. I saw a new future path charted... I saw hope. Which in the circumstance that we were encountering one another, there should not have been hope.

I'm going to stop and look in eyes more... I find amazing things there, but generally am in too much of a hurry to care.

Long meetings... big ideas... and something even bigger

2006-08-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

Meetings... ughhh... many times I'd rather shoot myself in my cortex than just sit through one, but that's what I do... I have meetings. Well, I do much more, but I do have A LOT of meetings.

Yesterday I had a meeting though that was WAY different. I met with a couple of friends, that I work with, from 8am till 5pm, and it was AMAZING! We talked VISION, we talked STRATEGY of the VISION, we drew diagrams, and squiggly lines, and circles, and icons, and had 6 different colors of dry erase marker on the board when we finished. Not to mention the flip chart that had a full color page of musings. I guess I learned something here.

It's not death by meeting... it's death by BORING meeting.

I hope everyone can one day experience a meeting like the ones I'm having right now!

The Pains of Love

2005-11-19T21:54:00.000-05:00

I can't imagine burying one of my children. They are supposed to bury me! Maybe that's supremely selfish, but I did have a 25 year jump on life. Which brings the question up...is it better to have loved and then lost? or to have never loved? In the case of my close friend who has just lost his 3 month old daughter...would he have been better off never knowing her? Or will the 3 months of love last a lifetime? Real love carries with it joy, pain, excitement...confusion. A terrible canundrum of our brains and our hearts.

Joy of spreading joy

2005-11-07T00:53:00.000-05:00

Early this afternoon we went to a house to help fix the roof. We were told that there was a little damage to the roof, and it wouldn't take us too long to repair. So we headed out with one seasoned roofer, and a slightly experienced framer, and three schmucks to try and fix it. Upon arrival we found that it wasn't a little damage. Water levels had risen to over 7 feet in this particular area, and it had uprooted a very large pine tree which found it's way through the 8-12 pitch roof. For you inexperienced roofers, unlike me...wink wink...that means it was really steep. I thought "There's no way!" "We'll never finish this today, but try we must." I'll shorten the story, but to let you in on it, at one point we had half the roof removed because of broken trusses. That's not good! We measured and cut and hammered and coersed, and others joined us, and as dusk was setting in an awesome feeling came over me as the unsuspecting family drove by to check on their uninhabitale home to find that it was that much closer to being liveable again. After many hugs and exchanges in email and address, and phone numbers, we shoved off. But, in the distance as we drove away, I saw hope for a young family with a 3 year old boy. I saw a family without hope before, who had a glimmer in their eye again. Why? Because people innertly want to be a part of something bigger than themselves, and to jump in behind something big. What if we could do that everyday? Live beyond who we are, and pour ourselves into someone else so much that the joy overflows and on to someone else. Is this a myth? or could it be true? I get so much joy, when I spread the joy.

Devastation?

2005-11-06T02:01:00.000-05:00

I think I will use the word devastated with less frequency. To say that one is devastated is a huge term. I'm understanding more the error of misuse that we have adopted for this term by viewing real devastation. Television camera and even artistic photographers can not do justice to the pure devastation left behind by Hurricane Katrina. In the past 48 hours I taken 60 minutes worth of video and over 200 pictures, and in reviewing them...it falls far short of the pure intensity of the amzingly decrepit situation. A stench so foul that it literally takes your breath away. A land so wrought with disaster that it overwhelms you, and you find yourself sitting and wondering where to start. I urge anyone who thinks their situation is bad to experience this wasteland. Does life have devastating moments...I'm sure it does, but we need to more carefully choose the times that we define as devastating. Losing a job is a mere inconvenience compared to rebuilding life from the ground up. These images will forever be burned into my psyche when I leave, and be a constant reminder that my life...is blessed, not devastated.

When the hammer hits the wrong nail

2005-11-04T23:47:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up at 5am central time in a tent, on a cot, in the cold. Now most times that would be a HUGE hamper to my day, but today was different. After putting down some sausage and eggs and biscuits, I joined the crew for what would be a labor intensive day. Just to give you some clarity to this, I'm in Mississippi with a crew for Hurricane Katrina Disaster relief. The devastation is still staggering, considering that the hurricane made landfall the end of August and this is the beginning of November. Boats that are miles from water, sitting in graveyards. Waterlines on walls in homes over 6 feet high. People walking around in full HAZMAT suits, just like in E.T. But in the midst of devastation we've found hope. A hope that doesn't come from money, or self-confidence. We've seen Unity, in fact I'm sitting in the middle of unity right now. A little parking lot here that has been turned in to a camping grounds. Tents, cots, campers, and they are serving three squares a day. I've seen charity. Today we put a roof on a house, and the awesome thing, the lady paid us nothing, and won't. She has no insurance, and had no plans of fixing her home, but now she can continue with her life. True love that expects nothing...not only does it excite her, but it makes me feel good knowing that I've shown a love that is bigger than I can actually give. In a thought... AMAZING LOVE! Benevolence is cool, but love is amazing, and knows no boundaries. I'm glad I can show, and act out love.

When it finally makes sense

2005-10-17T08:44:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder why I do what I do...then there comes that moment. Clarity - ELATION...a fast pulse, when I remember, oh yeah! That's why! I love those moments!

Things that go bump in the night

2005-10-15T09:45:00.000-05:00

A good horror movie has always been a friend of mine. I unfortunately haven't seen many lately, because they scare my wife, and keep her awake, and I've found that when she's awake and scared that I too am awake. The adrenaline rush though...the sheer horror, and the terrible acting...I mean really who would run upstairs if being chased by an axe murderer? I'm out the door baby! I love that lately the genre has arisen and become more respectable, still the days of Freddy and Jason...classic.

When crap don't go your way!

2005-10-03T17:33:00.000-05:00

I've noticed in life that things rarely go according to plan. In fact my dad used to say..."Plan your day, and then plan for it to go wrong." I used to think, WOW! That's a real fatalist attitude! However, it's true. I've almost become accustomed to things getting screwed up, that it scares me when things run smoothly. I think it's part of the reason that older adults are so much more prone to bitterness. I have serious baggage with the BooMer generation, and the quote best generation ever. How did they know they were the best...they hadn't seen my generation yet. Not that GenX is full of success stories. I see them more as the "Gimme Gimme" Generations. Don't get me wrong...I respect those of the aged persuasion, but sometimes, cut me some slack...I'm not you, nor will I be. As the song says "I'm sorry, I can't be perfect". So, when crap don't go your way...look crap in the face (gross illustration) and smile. Cause somewhere down the road...you're due!

Of Life and Death

2005-10-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

It's weird to hear of a guy younger than me dying...early twenties, everything to live for, and the end of his candle has burned. I never really understand the "Why" of this, but have grown to accept that I'm not invincible, nor ever will be. The breath I just sucked in my lungs could be my last, and as I sit on my deck watching my beautiful wife and two awesome boys...that's sad, but brings life back into...life. To live every moment for a purpose...the reason for life and death.

Add pain, mix in joy, and blend to your favorite consistency

2005-09-27T09:56:00.000-05:00

It's funny how one thing DOES lead to the other. I watch people everyday say that funny little phrase, and then live it out. You'd think that as opposable thumb humans we would figure out that this is more than a phrase, but a truthful happening. One thing does lead to another thing, which leads to another, and most times when you use that phrase the ending point is not the happiest of places to reside. I wish I would have learned this in my youth, maybe I'd still have all my hair if I would have...

Starting Over

2005-09-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

The idea of beginning again has always fascinated me. Just the thought of erasing everything and it being brand new, is almost inconceivable. I've come to realize that I spend way too much time on computers...I've began thinking like them. Just the other day I put a nail in the wall, and after hanging the picture noticed that it was at the wrong heigth. Not a stretch for me to completely forget to measure and do it correctly, but to just throw caution to the wind and shoot a nail into the wall. The interesting thing though was that I processed in my "pea" of a brain CTRL-Z. For you non junkies that is the keystroke for "UNDO". DUH! it doesn't work that way. What if life had a CTRL-Z function? That would rock! I screw up a conversation with someone and CTRL-Z...it's restarted and I can try again. It's like a controllable Groundhog Day...the movie. Yes, I think I will invent this CTRL-Z button...if Staples can have "Easy Buttons", then I can have CTRL-Z. Life is grand in the realm of stupidity.