I AM

...selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye and roped me in so mesmerizing
so hypnotizing
I am captivated

Distorted God

What a day. To say I've experienced paradoxical day would be an understatement.

This morning I got to be in what has become very fun and relaxing environment for me. So, much so that I'm consistently showing up late... I know that's weird, but part of the paradox. The BRSM staff meeting on Tuesday mornings is so great. It's challenging, it's a bunch of my friends, it's fun at Panera. Plus, this morning we added more love to the potion with Steve Mesanko starting his internship with us. What a great guy, and a great addition to the team.

Then, I went to what is most likely the most harsh environment I've ever been to. Today Jerry Falwell was laid to rest, and his funeral took place. Honestly, I was not a huge Jerryfan, but I have been learning how to respect people with different opinions. I've really struggled with this through the death of Dr. Falwell, because well, let's just say I've struggled. Today however, I met people who made my definition of Christian weirdo's change. Westboro Baptist Church, and Shirley ???, the main voice of WBC and godhatesamerica.com, were protesting Jerry's funeral, and we decided to go and interview them, in an attempt to understand them better. I left with the most bitter feeling all over me, not in me mind you. Bitterness spewed from Shirley's mouth, and left me in a weird state. You'd think then walking away and seeing people protest them would be a cheer up, but I seriously have to ask... what good does that do? I felt so much controversy, and so much compassion for the Falwell family today. They couldn't even bury their father, grandfather, husband... in peace.

Then the paradox ramped up as I returned to Blue Ridge, and it's environment of love. That love looks like a hugely dysfunctional family at times, but what love. No one is ever spiteful, or hateful. Plus, I got to spend about 45 minutes talking to God with people who are praising His every movement. What movement lately too.

Crazy day? I vote "YES".

KEWL Day

Yesterday was an amazing day! In fact the worst thing about it was how long it was, and that I didn't get to see my Angel, and my boys very much.

NEways... Blue Ridge this morning... Baptism service which are the BEST ever. A friend of mine named Joe proposed to his ex-wife right before he was baptized, and they are getting remarried... AMAHZING!

After Blue Ridge... Peaks View Park with a bunch of my friends for about 4 hours of playing soccer, basketball, and just general tom-foolery.

Took my friend Andy home afterwards, around 5:30pm... went to my home. Changed clothes into my soccer duds. Played some basketball with MY boys... kissed em bye, and off to Soccer.

Soccer back at Peaks View Park for about hour and a half with my new Kenyan/Ghanan friends. Started getting tired, so off to HOME.

Got home around 8:30pm... watched the 400th episode of The Simpsons... ate a whole can of Pineapple, and fell asleep on the couch with my head almost off the side, and my feet up on the back of the couch... YEAH, don't know how that happened.

Kissed my boys in their sleep, and went to bed myself with my Beautiful wife. She wrapped her arms around me, kissed me goodnight, and that's the last thing I remember.


WHAT A DAY!!! I'm the MOST BLESSED man alive! Off to the Grocery store now!

Best thing that no one saw

So today I got to go golfing. Unfortunately/fortunately by myself.

I know that statement is weird, but it's true in this case. Generally golfing is a community sport for me. I go with friends, we hang out, trash talk, and all suck together. Today, though I needed some time alone.

See, we're on "vacation" (quotes added for emphasis), and for the past few days my niece has been staying with my in-laws, which in this case means me. First off, being an only child... I can only take a bunch of people for so long, and then I go bezerk. Secondly, I have two boys, who are rough and tumble, and very respectful (I think) and well, my one niece is about to rub me raw. (No offense to my sister, or brother-in-law if you read this).

Actually I should say this... I do love Kaylee, and she can be very sweet, and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt right now that everything in life has been turned upside down with her mom having a new baby girl, and having some major complications... she may be in the hospital for a while the way things sound. There's really no such thing as a bad kid. I digress though.

So, I go golfing just to escape everyone. What a day... beautiful 80 degree weather. Nice quiet course. Just some retirees on the course hittin around. Me, my bag and the wide open. And then it happened....

Something amazing, and bewildering all at the same time.

I GOT A HOLE IN ONE!

I never thought that would happen to me... I really am a hack. But it did, and here's the paradox.

NO ONE WAS AROUND! I've heard stories from people about getting a hole in one, and no one can vouch, and it's really tough to believe... and then I add my story of HOW to follow, and expect people to believe? Well, actually I expect skepticism, as I would be skeptical of me, had I not seen it with my own eyes.

Here's how it went down:

18th hole
slight breeze behind me
great day already to remember
my best round of golf TO DATE

it's a short hole... only 96 yards
I break out my pitching wedge... take a deep breath and tee off

As happens with me occassionally I pull the ball off to my left. But also to my left is a driving range, and protecting the driving range is a 40 foot high net. My ball careens off of the net, falls to the ground where it bounces off the cart path... taking a HUGE leap that would clear ANY major league ballpark homerun wall. The ball then lands, yes lands, on the green about 4 foot from the hole. Somehow it then finds enough strength after it's perilous journey to roll it's way into the cup.

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! After looking around and seeing that no one was there... I almost cursed out loud... I just kept them in my head.

Just to help give you some point of view to imagine this with... I took some pictures.

THAT'S MY STORY, AND I'M STICKING TO IT!

Eyes

Have you ever heard that eyes are the windows to the soul? I've always been a firm believer of that. Look deep into someones eyes. It's almost like you can see their past and their future slamming together in one amazing transcendent moment... right there in their eyes. Eyes show pain, reveal hopelessness, share joy and release streams of love that we call tears. Enough of my dissertation though... here's my reason.

A few nights ago I looked into the eyes of someone who I had previously seen anger and resentment in their eyes. When we spoke this time though... I saw tenderness. I saw a new future path charted... I saw hope. Which in the circumstance that we were encountering one another, there should not have been hope.

I'm going to stop and look in eyes more... I find amazing things there, but generally am in too much of a hurry to care.

Long meetings... big ideas... and something even bigger

Meetings... ughhh... many times I'd rather shoot myself in my cortex than just sit through one, but that's what I do... I have meetings. Well, I do much more, but I do have A LOT of meetings.

Yesterday I had a meeting though that was WAY different. I met with a couple of friends, that I work with, from 8am till 5pm, and it was AMAZING! We talked VISION, we talked STRATEGY of the VISION, we drew diagrams, and squiggly lines, and circles, and icons, and had 6 different colors of dry erase marker on the board when we finished. Not to mention the flip chart that had a full color page of musings. I guess I learned something here.

It's not death by meeting... it's death by BORING meeting.

I hope everyone can one day experience a meeting like the ones I'm having right now!

The Pains of Love

I can't imagine burying one of my children. They are supposed to bury me! Maybe that's supremely selfish, but I did have a 25 year jump on life. Which brings the question up...is it better to have loved and then lost? or to have never loved? In the case of my close friend who has just lost his 3 month old daughter...would he have been better off never knowing her? Or will the 3 months of love last a lifetime? Real love carries with it joy, pain, excitement...confusion. A terrible canundrum of our brains and our hearts.

Joy of spreading joy

Early this afternoon we went to a house to help fix the roof. We were told that there was a little damage to the roof, and it wouldn't take us too long to repair. So we headed out with one seasoned roofer, and a slightly experienced framer, and three schmucks to try and fix it. Upon arrival we found that it wasn't a little damage. Water levels had risen to over 7 feet in this particular area, and it had uprooted a very large pine tree which found it's way through the 8-12 pitch roof. For you inexperienced roofers, unlike me...wink wink...that means it was really steep. I thought "There's no way!" "We'll never finish this today, but try we must." I'll shorten the story, but to let you in on it, at one point we had half the roof removed because of broken trusses. That's not good! We measured and cut and hammered and coersed, and others joined us, and as dusk was setting in an awesome feeling came over me as the unsuspecting family drove by to check on their uninhabitale home to find that it was that much closer to being liveable again. After many hugs and exchanges in email and address, and phone numbers, we shoved off. But, in the distance as we drove away, I saw hope for a young family with a 3 year old boy. I saw a family without hope before, who had a glimmer in their eye again. Why? Because people innertly want to be a part of something bigger than themselves, and to jump in behind something big. What if we could do that everyday? Live beyond who we are, and pour ourselves into someone else so much that the joy overflows and on to someone else. Is this a myth? or could it be true? I get so much joy, when I spread the joy.

Devastation?

I think I will use the word devastated with less frequency. To say that one is devastated is a huge term. I'm understanding more the error of misuse that we have adopted for this term by viewing real devastation. Television camera and even artistic photographers can not do justice to the pure devastation left behind by Hurricane Katrina. In the past 48 hours I taken 60 minutes worth of video and over 200 pictures, and in reviewing them...it falls far short of the pure intensity of the amzingly decrepit situation. A stench so foul that it literally takes your breath away. A land so wrought with disaster that it overwhelms you, and you find yourself sitting and wondering where to start. I urge anyone who thinks their situation is bad to experience this wasteland. Does life have devastating moments...I'm sure it does, but we need to more carefully choose the times that we define as devastating. Losing a job is a mere inconvenience compared to rebuilding life from the ground up. These images will forever be burned into my psyche when I leave, and be a constant reminder that my life...is blessed, not devastated.

When the hammer hits the wrong nail

Today I woke up at 5am central time in a tent, on a cot, in the cold. Now most times that would be a HUGE hamper to my day, but today was different. After putting down some sausage and eggs and biscuits, I joined the crew for what would be a labor intensive day. Just to give you some clarity to this, I'm in Mississippi with a crew for Hurricane Katrina Disaster relief. The devastation is still staggering, considering that the hurricane made landfall the end of August and this is the beginning of November. Boats that are miles from water, sitting in graveyards. Waterlines on walls in homes over 6 feet high. People walking around in full HAZMAT suits, just like in E.T. But in the midst of devastation we've found hope. A hope that doesn't come from money, or self-confidence. We've seen Unity, in fact I'm sitting in the middle of unity right now. A little parking lot here that has been turned in to a camping grounds. Tents, cots, campers, and they are serving three squares a day. I've seen charity. Today we put a roof on a house, and the awesome thing, the lady paid us nothing, and won't. She has no insurance, and had no plans of fixing her home, but now she can continue with her life. True love that expects nothing...not only does it excite her, but it makes me feel good knowing that I've shown a love that is bigger than I can actually give. In a thought... AMAZING LOVE! Benevolence is cool, but love is amazing, and knows no boundaries. I'm glad I can show, and act out love.

When it finally makes sense

I sometimes wonder why I do what I do...then there comes that moment. Clarity - ELATION...a fast pulse, when I remember, oh yeah! That's why! I love those moments!

Things that go bump in the night

A good horror movie has always been a friend of mine. I unfortunately haven't seen many lately, because they scare my wife, and keep her awake, and I've found that when she's awake and scared that I too am awake. The adrenaline rush though...the sheer horror, and the terrible acting...I mean really who would run upstairs if being chased by an axe murderer? I'm out the door baby! I love that lately the genre has arisen and become more respectable, still the days of Freddy and Jason...classic.

When crap don't go your way!

I've noticed in life that things rarely go according to plan. In fact my dad used to say..."Plan your day, and then plan for it to go wrong." I used to think, WOW! That's a real fatalist attitude! However, it's true. I've almost become accustomed to things getting screwed up, that it scares me when things run smoothly. I think it's part of the reason that older adults are so much more prone to bitterness. I have serious baggage with the BooMer generation, and the quote best generation ever. How did they know they were the best...they hadn't seen my generation yet. Not that GenX is full of success stories. I see them more as the "Gimme Gimme" Generations. Don't get me wrong...I respect those of the aged persuasion, but sometimes, cut me some slack...I'm not you, nor will I be. As the song says "I'm sorry, I can't be perfect". So, when crap don't go your way...look crap in the face (gross illustration) and smile. Cause somewhere down the road...you're due!

Of Life and Death

It's weird to hear of a guy younger than me dying...early twenties, everything to live for, and the end of his candle has burned. I never really understand the "Why" of this, but have grown to accept that I'm not invincible, nor ever will be. The breath I just sucked in my lungs could be my last, and as I sit on my deck watching my beautiful wife and two awesome boys...that's sad, but brings life back into...life. To live every moment for a purpose...the reason for life and death.

Add pain, mix in joy, and blend to your favorite consistency

It's funny how one thing DOES lead to the other. I watch people everyday say that funny little phrase, and then live it out. You'd think that as opposable thumb humans we would figure out that this is more than a phrase, but a truthful happening. One thing does lead to another thing, which leads to another, and most times when you use that phrase the ending point is not the happiest of places to reside. I wish I would have learned this in my youth, maybe I'd still have all my hair if I would have...

Starting Over

The idea of beginning again has always fascinated me. Just the thought of erasing everything and it being brand new, is almost inconceivable. I've come to realize that I spend way too much time on computers...I've began thinking like them. Just the other day I put a nail in the wall, and after hanging the picture noticed that it was at the wrong heigth. Not a stretch for me to completely forget to measure and do it correctly, but to just throw caution to the wind and shoot a nail into the wall. The interesting thing though was that I processed in my "pea" of a brain CTRL-Z. For you non junkies that is the keystroke for "UNDO". DUH! it doesn't work that way. What if life had a CTRL-Z function? That would rock! I screw up a conversation with someone and CTRL-Z...it's restarted and I can try again. It's like a controllable Groundhog Day...the movie. Yes, I think I will invent this CTRL-Z button...if Staples can have "Easy Buttons", then I can have CTRL-Z. Life is grand in the realm of stupidity.