Funny how life changes

in the last 5 years my life has shifted dramatically. Not necessarily all for good, or all for bad, just different.

In high school, college and beyond my life was pretty much centered around music. I was always singing, playing instruments and around people who were like that. I played the sports and stuff, but music was my deal. I loved to sing... still do. I loved to create music with playing the piano and trumpet for many years. Writing songs for our senior show to commemorate people we lost that year. Later, learning to play the guitar and singing favorites like John Mayer, Dashboard Confessional and others.

Then something happened... not sure what, but something. I know my job change affected it to some degree, because music was not a core part of what I "do" anymore. Consequently though I've grown to miss it.

I guess I'm getting "ferclept" because I'm sitting in my basement, looking at two guitars that are covered with dust like old books in an antiquities part of a library. I dream from time to time of getting up like I used to in front of crowds and singing my heart out. Spilling out my soul for everyone to see and walking away feeling more whole than when I arrived. To some it is scary, to me it was fulfilling.

But, alas... that is not my path.

Now I speak, something I would have never seen coming. I'm still uneasy on a weekly basis thinking about it. Stomach churning, mouth getting dry... stuff I never experienced singing. It makes me ask why many times, but I always come back to the same answer.

Singing was easy... Singing is easy... Easy was never promised to me. That almost feels masochistic and I guess in some way it is. I'm losing "my life" to gain "real life"

So, I put that down again... walk away from it... will sing with my heart and let go of the rest.