A day I don't want to remember...

Not sure what happened today.

I had a great day yesterday. Labor Day, had nothing to do but hang with the fam. I played basketball, took a nap, watched two movies and laughed A LOT! You would think after a day like that, that a guy would be Mr. Sunshine and Lollipops. I gotta be honest though... I'm not!

I have been the most judgmental jerk today. Mostly in my heart and head, but it has found it's way out through my mouth/fingers a few times. I've felt disinterested in people and their feelings and have even caught myself desiring to destroy someone with my words. Because "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" is the biggest lie in the history of lies.

I've asked God why I'm feeling this... asked and desired for it to leave. I've confessed this feeling to people around me in hopes that getting it out of me would help it pass. So far, nothing.

So, I come to this place... where I process life. Bear my soul... maybe some video games with the boys will turn it around.

I'm sorry, but why?

I love perusing the "christian" book section while waiting on my sons to pee at Wal*Mart. I find the funniest things there. This one though took the cake.



Who are these books written for? What is the expected result? I'm not trying to be a butt... I just don't get it... Maybe I'm just an idiot and everyone else is so excited to see theses on the shelf.

P.S. I apologize to the writers of said books... didn't mean to crush your experience... you got published *yeah!*

Best I can tell... you just come out 67 minutes ahead if you read these two books back to back. Not much else.

What wise people know.

Wise people know that they don't know everything.

That's counterintuitive because you would think that wise, or intelligent people, would be the ones that everyone would come to to get answers to their questions... right?

Well, there's one thing I've learned in life.

Wise people know when they don't know.

I'm not good at that. Too many situations in life make me feel as though I have to have all the answers, and I have a hard time of saying many times "I don't know".

But not only do wise people know when they don't know. Wise people aren't afraid to go to someone who does know.

Wise people ask questions, and lots of them. That honestly makes me think that my 5 year old is a genius, and if you think about it... he does learn a lot every day. And what does he do all day? Ask questions. I read once that the average 5 year old asks 473 questions per day... no wonder they learn so much at this age. Why do we ever stop that? I guess someone along the way told us we ask too many questions, but I honestly believe that person was/is a fool.

So here I sit... grateful for wise people in my life who help me be just a bit more wise, and I'm hopeful that I'll be wise enough to realize when I'm at my limit and humble enough to ask for help.

Ever known a fool?

An old Christian proverb goes something like this:

"A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a person of understanding delights in wisdom."


Have you ever known someone like that? Someone who won't listen no matter what? You see them walking into disaster, something COMPLETELY boneheaded and try to warn them, but you might as well be verbally talking to Helen Keller. It's not getting through.

In fact that proverb makes it out that it's almost like a game to a fool... they find pleasure in their folly.

Not only have I known, and currently know people like this. I have been this person before, and I'm sure I'll do it again.

Hard Stuff...

My life and job are full of times that I have to say hard stuff to people that I care about deeply. This week has been an especially difficult one with that dynamic of my life.

I know it's good, and I know its the best/wise thing for me to do, but I'm so spent right now.

My parents are staying with us this week, and my dad said something that is so relevant to this idea today.

"Common sense is lost"

This isn't a "I hate society" statement. Rather a "Culture is changing" statement.

Common sense is uncommon, and SOME, not ALL of the conversations that I have with people should just be common sense. Honestly, that then wrenches my heart and upsets me.

Then I remember... I do stupid stuff all the time too. I quickly calm down and become grateful for the people in my life that have and do say hard things to me, and have helped me to gain what I have come to recognize as common sense.

I'm glad for people like this, and hope I can be that person for someone else.

TIME...

Time is a sly invention.

We all have a set amount of it, and we're not getting anymore. In fact, I'm losing time every second... they just tick, tick, tick away. Time is something we all want to learn how to use better, but are afraid many times to really answer questions like "What did I do today?" or "What did I do this year?"

We make promises to ourselves to "get in shape" this year. Or finish this statement how you last did "I'm going to start..." working out, reading more, studying really hard, spending more time with my family, calling my mom more, eating breakfast. Our intentions as pure as they can be, and yet we fail ourselves.

And if you're anything like me... you realize that you've not done what you wanted to do as time goes by and then you try to make up for your lack of follow through by doing one big push. Me... I say "Oh crap! I haven't been working out consistently" and then I will go at it really hard for one day in the hopes of getting back to where I was when I left off. It doesn't work as you know... I end up hurting myself, or being so sore that when the next day comes around for my workout... I can barely move.

Here's what I know... Small investments of time over long periods gain cumulative results!

So instead of asking "What time is it?"

Start asking a new question...

How am I spending my time?

Because all of the time we are given in our lives will be spent, but will it be used in a way to bring value to our lives?

I don't think I'll ever look back and wish I didn't spend the time eating dinner with my boys... where will you invest small chunks of your time over a long period to bring a cumulative value to your life?

Funny how life changes

in the last 5 years my life has shifted dramatically. Not necessarily all for good, or all for bad, just different.

In high school, college and beyond my life was pretty much centered around music. I was always singing, playing instruments and around people who were like that. I played the sports and stuff, but music was my deal. I loved to sing... still do. I loved to create music with playing the piano and trumpet for many years. Writing songs for our senior show to commemorate people we lost that year. Later, learning to play the guitar and singing favorites like John Mayer, Dashboard Confessional and others.

Then something happened... not sure what, but something. I know my job change affected it to some degree, because music was not a core part of what I "do" anymore. Consequently though I've grown to miss it.

I guess I'm getting "ferclept" because I'm sitting in my basement, looking at two guitars that are covered with dust like old books in an antiquities part of a library. I dream from time to time of getting up like I used to in front of crowds and singing my heart out. Spilling out my soul for everyone to see and walking away feeling more whole than when I arrived. To some it is scary, to me it was fulfilling.

But, alas... that is not my path.

Now I speak, something I would have never seen coming. I'm still uneasy on a weekly basis thinking about it. Stomach churning, mouth getting dry... stuff I never experienced singing. It makes me ask why many times, but I always come back to the same answer.

Singing was easy... Singing is easy... Easy was never promised to me. That almost feels masochistic and I guess in some way it is. I'm losing "my life" to gain "real life"

So, I put that down again... walk away from it... will sing with my heart and let go of the rest.

Be who you are and nothing else

I'm not a home improvement guy... that has been made VERY clear to me. This week I dove into a project head first only to find myself drowning. A great friend and a fellow guy who loves teenagers as much as me came to my rescue. Tim Davidson, after spending 13 hours at my house yesterday helping me put a new shower/bath in my bathroom made me think about the following:

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it.

Thanks Tim for being the right arm of my body... I'll treasure working with you yesterday FOREVER!


PS... if you're wondering Romans 12:3-10 The Message

Criticism ROCKS!

For the past year I've been the only communicator for High School at Blue Ridge. Some of my friends from college are thinking "duh" right now, but for me that's a stretch. Not where I'm going guys... keep up!

So, during that year-a-thon (mixed a time frame with a marathon) I've learned a lot about communicating to and with a large crowd of people, and believe I've grown as a communicator. It's been SUPER helpful to have someone as frank as Jeremy helping me along with encouragement and helpful criticism.

The latest criticism needed no assistance.

On Thursday at our teaching team meeting we were talking about the recent talks, and the question was asked "How long have they been?" I answered "Well, they've been a little longer than normal, but nothing big." Jeremy responded with "Well, look at the podcast, it will tell you exactly."

I thought nothing of this, as really I believed myself to only have gone over say 10 minutes.

As iTunes loaded we chatted, and I was unafraid of the result. How foolish of me.

I went to podcasts, opened the Fusion podcast to find that the last two talks were over 50 minutes long... GOO! That's horrible! I was shooting for 25-30 minutes and I went WAY over!

So, now I have been sitting here on this Saturday night... CUTTING. REMOVING. SLASHING. This problem must be resolved.

Tomorrow will be a different day... this thing will be concise!

Grateful for criticism!

You spin me around

One of the coolest things happened today! I started my day by dropping my car off with probably the most trustworthy student I've ever known. Kevin Martin, or K-mart as I call him. K-mart grew up Mennonite and I love the story that he is now at Blue Ridge, because those thoughts don't normally fit together.

K-mart is a mechanic at 18 years old and a darn good one from what I hear. He and his friends have offered their abilities and their Saturdays to take my '97 Mitsubishi Galant and make her road worthy once more. Notice I said offered... Kevin came to me... SO COOL! And such a show of their collective hearts.

Not only that, but I'm driving THIS:

Yes... that is a Volvo C70, and it is SWEET!

I LOVE STUDENT MINISTRIES, because I get to watch kids grow up. Kevin is a story of God. He's gone from not talking to anyone, to asking to fix my car and playing the electric guitar in our HS band.

I hope I can be a HS director until I die!

Learned something at a deeper level today

I've been explaining to people lately how as I get older, that the Bible seems to play out more and more right in front of me. Today, not only did I see it, but I felt it.

I've been working out and when I started I bought the armband for my iPod, but as time went on I started noticing how as humans... we are not connected at all. In turn... I was adding to this as I was sinking myself into my own ears whilst pushing weights around. So, I decided to ditch the iPod, listen to the horrible music they play in the gym and actually notice that there are people around me.

That's the set up... keep reading.

Today, as I was traveling from area to area I ran across an older gentleman that I had not seen before. He looked to be about 70, and seemed to be struggling just a bit with his current exercise. I smiled at him, nodded and continued on. Like I said I didn't notice any huge health problems with him outside of normal age wear and tear.

Later in my workout as I was sitting on the Pec Fly machine this same man walked by. This is when it happened. As he walked by, and really I mean as he pulled himself by me, I noticed that there was more going on then I had previously recognized. Apparently he had experienced a stroke, and looked like a sizable one at that. His entire right side was all but incapacitated. He was pulling his right leg, his right arm was basically limp at his side and his face drooped a little. As I'm taking all this in he turned in a reciprocal manner and smiled a crooked little smile at me.

In that moment... I saw my dad. My dad hasn't had a stroke. In fact my dad doesn't have really any health problems. But in his eyes I saw my dad, and my heart broke. Don't get my wrong... I felt bad for this guy on his own, but seeing my dad as my mind fooled me tore me up. I choked and fought back tears, and had to end my workout early.

This moment taught me at a deeper level what Ephesians 6 means when it says "honor your father and mother". Honor the memory of what they've done in the past. Honor the current people that they are. Honor the fact that one day they won't be with you any longer, and you should make the most of this time.

Thanks mom and dad for making my life a real life Cleavers episode... I was/am so blessed, and I'll ALWAYS honor that from this point forward.

STUPID TEST

I take this Myers-Briggs test about once a year in hopes that it will tell me something different. I know I am the definition of insanity "doing the same thing and expecting a different result". I just can't help myself. The following is what Mrs. Myers and Mrs. Briggs think of me.

You are frank, decisive, and assume leadership readily. You quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, and develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. You enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. You are usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding your knowledge and passing it on to others. You are forceful in presenting your ideas.

As if that doesn't sting the soul enough... the wrap up the savoir faire with who you're like:

Famous people with your same ENTJ personality include: Franklin D. Roosevelt (I'm OK with) , Harrison Ford (Indian Jones!), Steve Martin (funny), Whoopi Goldberg (uhhhhh ok), Sigourney Weaver (getting worried), Margaret Thatcher (the "Iron Lady"?), Al Gore (DANGER, DANGER... WHERE'S MY LOCK BOX?), David Letterman (not all that funny, and seems a little jerky) and Jim Carrey (Funny, but doesn't seem very relationally well adjusted).


That list to me looks like a "Who's Who of Loaners". I keep hoping my test will tell me that I'm warm, and caring and compassionate, and that little puppies cry when they see me. That everyone loves me, and that I'm perfectly suited for what I do. Yet again and again it says "You are unqualified".

Good thing I don't let a test be my determining factor for life. CRAP... that's my ENTJ coming out again.

Let's talk about the weather

In Men in Black 2 Agent J (Will Smith) is on a mission searching for the "Light of Zartha". He eventually has to go get his old partner Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) back for some help in this most important mission.

Now as is standard in Big Willie style movies... Agent J (The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire) falls in love with a beautiful woman named Laura Vasquez that just happens to work in a pizza shop. Totally believable so far. Agent J (Mr. July) decides to not "flashy thing" her keeping her memory in tact. And as the movie goes on we quickly realize that Laura Vasquez is not of this world at all. In fact, not only is she an alien, but she IS the "Light of Zartha" made evident by one of the coolest things. Her mood affects the weather.

This is where I'm going... Today I absolutely woke up wishing that it was raining so I could just sit in side, maybe sulk a bit, play some video games and let the world go away. How cool would it be if our mood affected the weather. Actually maybe all of our collective moods do affect the weather, and thats why it's so crazy! So, really I just want MY mood to affect the weather, but then everyone would know how I was feeling at every moment and their personal agenda of day might try to affect my mood.

Wow! This got crazy fast! I'll just go cheer up and finish my work now.

Sometimes I just want to quit...

Today is one of those days.

I feel alone.

I feel helpless to affect life around me.

I feel like everything I do is a mistake, and no one really gets me.

I feel like packing up my family, selling our house and everything in it, both cars and buying one way plane tickets to Hawaii where we'll all live out our lives happily on the beach.


But feelings are just feelings and they will pass. Maybe I need a nap.

Hard and Bad don't have to stay Hard and Bad

I had a weird recognition of my life yesterday. I will round out my 10th year as a Student Ministries Director in about a week. That along with some recent happenings brought me to look back over the past decade. I'll spare you ALL the gritty details, but here's what I've learned.

1. Though a situation looks bleak it never stays that way... at least in 10 years it never has.
2. In the middle of EVERYTHING, there is something to learn.
3. The things that feel the hardest to do, generally end up being the easiest... it was just my brain that made them hard.
4. Quick action sets up a speedy resolve.
5. Communication is key... letting people know what's happening at all times somehow makes the situation easier.
Lastly... Someone has to be positive about it... if you are, you have the chance to change something bad into something good.

I'm definitely still growing in this area. Even as I sit here on the precipice of something large, I'm internally panicking. I can't externally, because it involves Angel, and she needs me to have it together right now. So, I write this to remind me of what I've learned, and this too will take the above turns... I'm sure of it.

Father's Day weirdness....

It's funny... I don't think I've missed my dad in YEARS. Don't get me wrong... I love my dad, and love when he comes and visits and we talk, but miss having him around? NAW!

Today... this Father's Day 2009... I miss my dad. I'm not sure if it's the fear of him dying and me being without him, or the sappy quotes about Father's I've been reading all morning, but I miss my dad.

Thanks Dad for helping to mold me into the man I am today. You may never know it, but I did pay attention.

TRUST...

I had a really cool moment today. In our staff meeting there was a moment of discussion that lead to a point of a trust in the people who lead us, or not. I had definitely become a person that didn't trust anyone... especially church leaders, and I didn't flinch. I trust the people who lead me, and I had no problem trusting them here too.

I watched as some people asked a lot of questions, not that the questions were bad at all, and I just sat there.

This is a nice new place. I like feeling comfortable with my leaders.

Spencer's big night...

1st Corinthians 1:30


That was the note where things started coming together. Spencer copied that from the screen in the Big Room during the 1st Wednesday service last night. I honestly thought he was doodling on his little pad of paper, but when I looked over I see him writing "Christ Jesus". Then I realized "He's copying this verse.

As I helped him get it written down, because he was so adamant that it must be done, I internally asked myself. "Why is he doing this?" I got the answer to that question quickly.

Spencer looks at me after copying words like righteousness, holiness and redemption and says quietly "What does this mean dad?" WHOA! In my brain I stammered like a bumbling idiot. How do I take something so huge. Something that Spencer has been asking questions about for a YEAR now, and break it down succinctly. "COME ON JOHN" I was yelling at my inner self "You're a weekly communicator, you can do this!" Not sure if I was pumping myself up, or scared to death. What came out was definitely simple, but I was unsure of it's impact upon my initial delivery. I said "Well, it means that you aren't good enough on your own." To which Spencer quickly responded "I know that dad." "I need Jesus!"

What happened then can only be captured if you have seen the show Scrubs. The main character JD (appropriate) has conversations inside his head all the time that we, the audience, are opened up to through the magic of television. That is me at this point.

"I can't believe he just said that. Is he really putting all this together. Has a years worth of conversations, and struggles, and Spencer getting frustrated with us culminated at this point?"

Then my eye was caught by Angel who mouthed to me "What's going on?" I mouthed back with tears in my eyes "I think he gets it!"

Communion was going on at this point, and I had a stale cracker and the tiniest cup of juice known to man in my hand. Uncharacteristically we were being walked through communion by Jeremy tonight. Again, inside I'm bursting waiting for this to end so I can take Spencer to a more conducive environment to have a conversation. A few minutes later that ended and as we transitioned in the Big Room to the next element... Spencer and I slipped out across the atrium, through the high school room and into my office.

I can't tell you how hard my heart was beating at this point. SO MUCH PRESSURE! He's seven years old. I really don't want him to do the whole "I said a prayer at 7, but it didn't mean anything" deal. And I can't control that, but I can be careful. So, the question is: Where do I go with this conversation when I reach my office?

I'll spare you the every little detail, but let's put it this way. Over the next 20 minutes I asked lots of questions, we read lots of snippets of the Bible, and he got it! He knew what sin was. He knew he was a sinner. He knew about Jesus, and that Jesus and God are the same person. And with little tears in his eyes he said "Dad, I want to have a relationship with God." WHOA! You dream of that moment as a father who is a Christ-follower. I always was kinda jealous every week he went to Kid Stuf thinking that he might step over that line without me, but here it was.

We read Romans 10:9-10 and talked about what it meant and then I said... "Would you like to do that?" Spencer didn't speak... just a little grin, and a shake of the head. I told him that I wanted him to pray and just tell God what he wanted. Honestly at this point I expected something small and very childish. That's not what I heard. I heard "God, thank you for Jesus. Thank you for loving me. I want you to take my whole life, and I want to live for you. I love you" I had told Spencer that I would pray after he did, but oxygen was just not getting into my lungs... I breathed out REALLY hard, and then with a gush I just thanked God for that moment, and asked that He would help me as a father to help Spencer. To never impede his relationship by provoking Spencer.

When we both looked at each other... my little man Grabbed me around my neck, and SQUEEZED me so hard, I thought I would pass out. He could do nothing but smile. We left my office, and as we walked into the atrium... everything was ending. You would have thought Spencer won a $1000. He was telling everyone what had happened to him.

I left from there that night excited, and scared. Excited that my son had grown to this place in life... scared, because the stakes had been raised on me as a father.

Now, we introduce him to the Holy Spirit, and how to live everyday in every moment WITH JESUS. Now we all learn how to ABIDE and REMAIN in Christ TOGETHER.

Oh, and we gave Spencer his first job in following Christ. To show his brother a good picture of following Christ.

One down, one to go! I always thought as a father that I would be teaching my kids... I never realized how much they would teach me.

Thank you God for my little boys.

Music that effects me at a deep level...

What then How...

Yesterday I took in a thought from a favorite speaker of mine that has wrecked my life ever since.

Basically he said that when leading people, that leaders need to be "what" people instead of "how" people. Meaning that I have a responsibility to help people dream. To ask them "what" makes their hearts beat fast, what big dream is inside of them. To just dream with them in a "what" kind of way. Instead of being a reality check and asking "how?"

I am a "how" guy. My first instinct is "how". Not that it will stop me from trying and going forward with an idea, but I ask "how". I crush dreams ALL the time, not excluding my own!

Don't get me wrong here... I still think "how" is important. I think "how" is necessary. I just want to be more of a "what" guy, who knows when to ask "how".

Wonder where this is going to take me?