Sleep....

I've never been much of an insomniac, but over the past week I've not slept well AT ALL! Not sure what this is all about. I've never been a night guy, meaning I'm ready to sleep around 10 PM. Now though I can't fall asleep until midnight or later and I'm waking up in the middle of the night and still waking up early.

Not sure what's going on here, but I'm not real keen on it. I feel really foggy this morning and the whole speaking for a living gig doesn't fit well with foggy. You have to have a mind about you to string sentences together in an semblance of understandable thought.

We'll see what happens

Sometimes I just want to quit...

Today is one of those days.

I feel alone.

I feel helpless to affect life around me.

I feel like everything I do is a mistake, and no one really gets me.

I feel like packing up my family, selling our house and everything in it, both cars and buying one way plane tickets to Hawaii where we'll all live out our lives happily on the beach.


But feelings are just feelings and they will pass. Maybe I need a nap.

Hard and Bad don't have to stay Hard and Bad

I had a weird recognition of my life yesterday. I will round out my 10th year as a Student Ministries Director in about a week. That along with some recent happenings brought me to look back over the past decade. I'll spare you ALL the gritty details, but here's what I've learned.

1. Though a situation looks bleak it never stays that way... at least in 10 years it never has.
2. In the middle of EVERYTHING, there is something to learn.
3. The things that feel the hardest to do, generally end up being the easiest... it was just my brain that made them hard.
4. Quick action sets up a speedy resolve.
5. Communication is key... letting people know what's happening at all times somehow makes the situation easier.
Lastly... Someone has to be positive about it... if you are, you have the chance to change something bad into something good.

I'm definitely still growing in this area. Even as I sit here on the precipice of something large, I'm internally panicking. I can't externally, because it involves Angel, and she needs me to have it together right now. So, I write this to remind me of what I've learned, and this too will take the above turns... I'm sure of it.

Father's Day weirdness....

It's funny... I don't think I've missed my dad in YEARS. Don't get me wrong... I love my dad, and love when he comes and visits and we talk, but miss having him around? NAW!

Today... this Father's Day 2009... I miss my dad. I'm not sure if it's the fear of him dying and me being without him, or the sappy quotes about Father's I've been reading all morning, but I miss my dad.

Thanks Dad for helping to mold me into the man I am today. You may never know it, but I did pay attention.

Working out...

It's funny that you can use the words working out to mean... "Yeah, I'm working out 3 times a week." and "Yeah, that's just not working out."

Unfortunately in my life I use that phrase this way "Working out, just isn't working out."

Last week my wife and I started the push to be healthy once more. Not that we are extremely UNhealthy, but we want to be in better shape than current shape.

See the whole reason we planned to have our boys at the young age that we did, was so we could be lively and active as they got into their teenage years. Plus, we'd still be young when they were out of the house, potentially young grandparents, and through the whole process we'd be spry and active. That takes a lot more effort than it did when I was a teenager, or even in my lower to mid twenties.

So, we start that effort up again, and my shoulders, biceps, triceps, delts, you name it... are sore. Good sore, but sore none the less. Today was supposed to be a cardio day with basketball this morning, but my comrades have left me hanging, so sometime today I have to go it alone. I will enjoy my 30's, 40's and beyond... I know it's possible as I look at a friend of mine Woody who is 30 years older than me, and could probably kick my butt three ways from Thursday.

Time to get this party started

This cracked me up!

TRUST...

I had a really cool moment today. In our staff meeting there was a moment of discussion that lead to a point of a trust in the people who lead us, or not. I had definitely become a person that didn't trust anyone... especially church leaders, and I didn't flinch. I trust the people who lead me, and I had no problem trusting them here too.

I watched as some people asked a lot of questions, not that the questions were bad at all, and I just sat there.

This is a nice new place. I like feeling comfortable with my leaders.

Spencer's big night...

1st Corinthians 1:30


That was the note where things started coming together. Spencer copied that from the screen in the Big Room during the 1st Wednesday service last night. I honestly thought he was doodling on his little pad of paper, but when I looked over I see him writing "Christ Jesus". Then I realized "He's copying this verse.

As I helped him get it written down, because he was so adamant that it must be done, I internally asked myself. "Why is he doing this?" I got the answer to that question quickly.

Spencer looks at me after copying words like righteousness, holiness and redemption and says quietly "What does this mean dad?" WHOA! In my brain I stammered like a bumbling idiot. How do I take something so huge. Something that Spencer has been asking questions about for a YEAR now, and break it down succinctly. "COME ON JOHN" I was yelling at my inner self "You're a weekly communicator, you can do this!" Not sure if I was pumping myself up, or scared to death. What came out was definitely simple, but I was unsure of it's impact upon my initial delivery. I said "Well, it means that you aren't good enough on your own." To which Spencer quickly responded "I know that dad." "I need Jesus!"

What happened then can only be captured if you have seen the show Scrubs. The main character JD (appropriate) has conversations inside his head all the time that we, the audience, are opened up to through the magic of television. That is me at this point.

"I can't believe he just said that. Is he really putting all this together. Has a years worth of conversations, and struggles, and Spencer getting frustrated with us culminated at this point?"

Then my eye was caught by Angel who mouthed to me "What's going on?" I mouthed back with tears in my eyes "I think he gets it!"

Communion was going on at this point, and I had a stale cracker and the tiniest cup of juice known to man in my hand. Uncharacteristically we were being walked through communion by Jeremy tonight. Again, inside I'm bursting waiting for this to end so I can take Spencer to a more conducive environment to have a conversation. A few minutes later that ended and as we transitioned in the Big Room to the next element... Spencer and I slipped out across the atrium, through the high school room and into my office.

I can't tell you how hard my heart was beating at this point. SO MUCH PRESSURE! He's seven years old. I really don't want him to do the whole "I said a prayer at 7, but it didn't mean anything" deal. And I can't control that, but I can be careful. So, the question is: Where do I go with this conversation when I reach my office?

I'll spare you the every little detail, but let's put it this way. Over the next 20 minutes I asked lots of questions, we read lots of snippets of the Bible, and he got it! He knew what sin was. He knew he was a sinner. He knew about Jesus, and that Jesus and God are the same person. And with little tears in his eyes he said "Dad, I want to have a relationship with God." WHOA! You dream of that moment as a father who is a Christ-follower. I always was kinda jealous every week he went to Kid Stuf thinking that he might step over that line without me, but here it was.

We read Romans 10:9-10 and talked about what it meant and then I said... "Would you like to do that?" Spencer didn't speak... just a little grin, and a shake of the head. I told him that I wanted him to pray and just tell God what he wanted. Honestly at this point I expected something small and very childish. That's not what I heard. I heard "God, thank you for Jesus. Thank you for loving me. I want you to take my whole life, and I want to live for you. I love you" I had told Spencer that I would pray after he did, but oxygen was just not getting into my lungs... I breathed out REALLY hard, and then with a gush I just thanked God for that moment, and asked that He would help me as a father to help Spencer. To never impede his relationship by provoking Spencer.

When we both looked at each other... my little man Grabbed me around my neck, and SQUEEZED me so hard, I thought I would pass out. He could do nothing but smile. We left my office, and as we walked into the atrium... everything was ending. You would have thought Spencer won a $1000. He was telling everyone what had happened to him.

I left from there that night excited, and scared. Excited that my son had grown to this place in life... scared, because the stakes had been raised on me as a father.

Now, we introduce him to the Holy Spirit, and how to live everyday in every moment WITH JESUS. Now we all learn how to ABIDE and REMAIN in Christ TOGETHER.

Oh, and we gave Spencer his first job in following Christ. To show his brother a good picture of following Christ.

One down, one to go! I always thought as a father that I would be teaching my kids... I never realized how much they would teach me.

Thank you God for my little boys.

This chick is sick!

Things I don't like about me...

For almost all my life I've struggled with giving wrong perceptions of myself. It looks a couple of different ways, and no matter what I do to try to combat this I still fall WAY short.

It takes form of people saying that they are intimidated by me. If I was really tall, and super buff I'd have a little more understanding of this one. My wife said it's my eyebrows... that they grow angrily. SO, I trimmed my eyebrows like a super-metro. I was told by someone else that it was because I always have an answer for things. So, I started telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE "I'm not sure... let me get back to you". Still, nothing! A close friend told me that I needed to walk out of conversations feeling like a pushover, and that my natural personality would balance me out to normal. NOTHING!

THIS IS SUCH A FRUSTRATION IN MY LIFE! I literally sat in my office yesterday after hearing about this happening again and cried. I am at such a loss.

UNFORTUNATELY, it doesn't just end there.

Seems as though at a very high rate of failure I misrepresent my thoughts to people. Somehow I give a perception that is contrary to my heart in situations. I have conversations with people, walk away from them and think "WOW, that was awesome! We really saw eye to eye there." Then I hear later that the other parties takeaway was no where, where I thought we were. So, one conversation has to then become two or three, because I have to go back and seek to understand and ask forgiveness and begin all over to move through the miscommunication.

I HAVE to think that this is a problem with me. It happens at too high of a rate with me, and not as much with other people.

So, I don't know if I need to come with some type of disclaimer or guarantee of satisfaction statement?

Getting older...

I have been feeling the onset of my age. Creeping in like an oncoming thunderstorm of epic proportions.

FOR INSTANCE:

Yesterday I played an hour of basketball from 7am - 8am
Went disc golfing from 10:20am - 1pm (translation... LONG hike)
Soccer practice for Brookville JV from 3-5pm (played, not just coaching)

Today my left knee is super tight, and tired.

Summary? I'm not rebounding as well as I used to. Gotta keep going at it though... I'm not going to be the status quo old man, and I'm not even old yet... a mere 32 year old kid.

Here's to good health and exercise.

Ignorance and Arrogance is bliss... I suppose

I abhor when ignorant people try to point out ignorance....

We are smarter than I am...

Growing up I was taught that you needed to sit and think until you had the answer, and that no other ministry could possibly have input to the DNA of who you are in your ministry.

Basically that I have to be the smartest one......... but, I'm not, and it's good to have others.

Today we met with Taffy AKA Christopher Taffala, the worship guy from Saddleback Student Ministries.


What a helpful time of sharing what God is doing from coast to coast.

Collaboration ROCKS!

Music that effects me at a deep level...

Here's one for the little weird guy/girl...

Go watch this NOW! Seems like really cool stories come out of Britain's Got Talent. I would have embedded it, but it didn't let me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

What then How...

Yesterday I took in a thought from a favorite speaker of mine that has wrecked my life ever since.

Basically he said that when leading people, that leaders need to be "what" people instead of "how" people. Meaning that I have a responsibility to help people dream. To ask them "what" makes their hearts beat fast, what big dream is inside of them. To just dream with them in a "what" kind of way. Instead of being a reality check and asking "how?"

I am a "how" guy. My first instinct is "how". Not that it will stop me from trying and going forward with an idea, but I ask "how". I crush dreams ALL the time, not excluding my own!

Don't get me wrong here... I still think "how" is important. I think "how" is necessary. I just want to be more of a "what" guy, who knows when to ask "how".

Wonder where this is going to take me?

Quicky Collaboration

I typed a short funny this morning and then an old Friend (Thanks Chris Day) added to it... here's what we came up with.



Coffee, your aroma is intoxicating. You fill my mucus-filled cavities will sniffs of heaven. You waft into the orifices of my head like the songs of George Michael (also very addicting). You set up camp in my nose and wait for me enjoy your decadence. Surely splenda and creamer will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of stars and bucks forever amen!

Talking is one thing...

It's so much easier to talk about something, than to actually do it. Straight out of the talk about Love being the hard things... my whole family is confronted with the chance to REALLY love...

Hope we don't screw it up!

HIT IN THE FACE!

This post title to me is funny because I've literally been hit in the face and figuratively/spiritually been hit in the face today.

Let me explain...

LITERALLY (it's easier to start here)
I play basketball a few times a week with some friends, and from time to time I end up on a mismatch. Today was that day, and not in my favor. I was guarding Bob today... Bob's a big guy! Well, to keep the story short... at one point today, I went for the ball only to be met by some extremity of Bob's. I felt like I was punched... seriously, the last time I felt that... I was being hit by another guy in the boys bathroom in High School. It's hours later, and I can still feel it.

FIGURATIVELY/SPIRITUALLY
This was not much different honestly. I still feel it, and it still hurts. I like Podcasts... A LOT! And I have made it a habit to listen to them while I workout. I like to change my music too much to listen to music while I workout. So, today I'm listening to Andy Stanley... a series they did at North Point called "It Came From Within". The whole series has been eye opening, but this one was a HIT IN THE FACE!

He was talking about Greed, and honestly no one wants to call themselves greedy. Although as Americans... WE ARE A GREEDY NATION! So, anyways Andy makes a statement, which actually isn't his statement... it's God's from Matthew, he said this:

"If you're eyes are generous... you will be generous. If you're eyes are envious... you will be envious."

OUCH! WHO JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE?

So many times I find myself looking at STUFF and thinking: "Why can't I have a cool car", "I want a basketball goal", "I want a plasma tv, blackberry, new macbook" stuff I don't really dwell on, but check this. I also get letters from kids who are going to China to help people see God in a more clear light, and the first thing I do is say "Well, I'll pray for you" giving isn't even an option for me.

My eyes and subsequently my heart... are not generous! Yet, I'm trying to raise two boys to be generous men. So, letter on my table from random student... you arrived at THE right time.

Finding Purpose

I've been trying to do this blogging thing for about 2 years now, and I get a good head of steam only to run out of coal. All failures aside... I'm going at it again.

I really want my boys in future years to be able to read this, and know what was happening in my heart... I want my wife to be able to read this now, and know things that I SUCK at communicating.

I'm submitting to the fact that life doesn't suck... I SUCK!

But even I can find healing